All star antithesis

As the current CBA has expired and the next NHL game may be months or even a couple of years away, it’s time for the fans to let loose their venom. Both sides are at fault in this situation. The owners, for years of misrepresenting their finances and moronic abuse of the CBA, and the players, for saying “you know what, a million dollars a year to play a child’s game just isn’t enough”. For the players’ side, this is the all-star antithesis – the NHL All Loser teams, first and second.

As the current CBA has expired and the next NHL game may be months or even a couple of years away, it’s time for the fans to let loose their venom. Both sides are at fault in this situation. The owners, for years of misrepresenting their finances and moronic abuse of the CBA, and the players, for saying “you know what, a million dollars a year to play a child’s game just isn’t enough”. The lockout may just alienate the few hundred fans hockey has left in the US and send everyone to the poorhouse – if the NHL ever starts again.

I’ve noticed that the “best players” lists are pretty popular on this site and generate a fair bit of discussion. So, to sling a little mud the players’ way during this fiasco, I’ve tried to come up with the all-star antithesis – the NHL All Loser teams, first and second. These are the players that just make you cringe when they’re on the ice. With a minute to go and ahead by a goal, you just know he’s going to f*ck it up somehow to lose the game. Or someone who just makes you sick to look at, is overpaid, is a locker room cancer, choker, jackass, or lazy SOB.

First Team

Goal

Roman Cechmanek – Complete mystery – the guy could steal a game or give it away on a silver platter. I thought being out of the spotlight would help him, but I think he got worse in LA.

Defense

Aki Berg – Sometimes, in the playoffs, this guy can keep it together and play a simple, solid game. The rest of the time he’s the cough-up king. Loves those passes up the middle and those timely penalties.

Eric Cairns – A huge man with a big mean streak – top ten in PIMs. Imagine how many minutes he’d get if he could actually skate fast enough to catch anyone or had more than 2 minutes of ice time per game.

Forward

Eric Lindros – Has to be one of the biggest *ssholes in the game. What an arrogant prick, and his mommy and daddy still call the shots. The guy doesn’t have a glass jaw, he has an entire glass head, and he still skates up the middle of the ice with his head down. Most of the time he just goes out for a casual skate to make sure he stays healthy to reach his games played bonus.

Peter Worrell – Probably one of the better fighters, but contradicts Gretzky’s claim that you have to be able to skate to play in the NHL.

Mike Ricci – One of the better role players in the league, but probably the ugliest man in professional sports. Cut your hair and get some teeth and a nose job.

Second Team

Goalie

Trevor Kidd – The leafs should put Dryden between the pipes before Kidd. What ever they’re paying him, it’s too much. He couldn’t stop the puck if it was 5’ x 7’.

Defense

Dale Puriton – The Pylon. What the hell – the entire Ranger’s defense.

Derek Morris – Big talker. Problem in Calgary and couldn’t get it done in Colorado.

Forward

Alexei Yashin – How many contract hold outs did he have? How many charities did he renege on? How easy is it to check him in the playoffs? All Corson had to do was look at him to keep him off the score sheet.

Mike Ribeiro – He will never live down that act in the playoffs.

Todd Marchant – went from being recognized as one of the best checkers/penalty killers in the game to squat. Horrible plus minus and brutal shooting percentage to go with his fat contract.

Dishonorable mention:

Alexandre Daigle – I was surprised to see he actually had a pretty good year in Minny last year….doesn’t make up for years of uselessness in Ottawa/Philly/Tampa/New York/Pittsburgh though.

Dick Tarnstrom – Too bad +/- doesn’t count on the power play. Yikes, -37.

Trevor Linden – Union boy. I believe was quoted saying that whatever teams weren’t making money should be sold and moved to a city where they could. “Two franchises for sale (Ottawa, Buffalo)… anyone….anyone….please…..”

Bryan McCabe – What a moron – a lot of good quotes from this clown. “If they want a hard cap we’ll sit out for the rest of our lives.” …. “The players have to be able to make a living”

Brett Hull – thanks for coming out.

Patrick Lalime – What a year this guy had. He admits he was shaky all year, but played fairly well for 6 playoff games. Until those two goals by Nieuwendyk in game 7. Yikes.

Tommy Salo – that one goal killed his career

Todd Bertuzzi – no need to elaborate

Mike Danton – no need to elaborate

Mats Sundin – this is actually not fair, but he represents all those losers who continue to use the one-piece sticks that break like twigs. He’s the only one stupid enough to throw it into the stands though.

For the owners’ side of this imbecilic equation, maybe someone could come up with a list of the most bone-headed signings – Lapointe, Holik, Kidd, etc. Way too much $$$ for these guys.


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