All star antithesis

As the current CBA has expired and the next NHL game may be months or even a couple of years away, it’s time for the fans to let loose their venom. Both sides are at fault in this situation. The owners, for years of misrepresenting their finances and moronic abuse of the CBA, and the players, for saying “you know what, a million dollars a year to play a child’s game just isn’t enough”. For the players’ side, this is the all-star antithesis – the NHL All Loser teams, first and second.

As the current CBA has expired and the next NHL game may be months or even a couple of years away, it’s time for the fans to let loose their venom. Both sides are at fault in this situation. The owners, for years of misrepresenting their finances and moronic abuse of the CBA, and the players, for saying “you know what, a million dollars a year to play a child’s game just isn’t enough”. The lockout may just alienate the few hundred fans hockey has left in the US and send everyone to the poorhouse – if the NHL ever starts again.

I’ve noticed that the “best players” lists are pretty popular on this site and generate a fair bit of discussion. So, to sling a little mud the players’ way during this fiasco, I’ve tried to come up with the all-star antithesis – the NHL All Loser teams, first and second. These are the players that just make you cringe when they’re on the ice. With a minute to go and ahead by a goal, you just know he’s going to f*ck it up somehow to lose the game. Or someone who just makes you sick to look at, is overpaid, is a locker room cancer, choker, jackass, or lazy SOB.

First Team

Goal

Roman Cechmanek – Complete mystery – the guy could steal a game or give it away on a silver platter. I thought being out of the spotlight would help him, but I think he got worse in LA.

Defense

Aki Berg – Sometimes, in the playoffs, this guy can keep it together and play a simple, solid game. The rest of the time he’s the cough-up king. Loves those passes up the middle and those timely penalties.

Eric Cairns – A huge man with a big mean streak – top ten in PIMs. Imagine how many minutes he’d get if he could actually skate fast enough to catch anyone or had more than 2 minutes of ice time per game.

Forward

Eric Lindros – Has to be one of the biggest *ssholes in the game. What an arrogant prick, and his mommy and daddy still call the shots. The guy doesn’t have a glass jaw, he has an entire glass head, and he still skates up the middle of the ice with his head down. Most of the time he just goes out for a casual skate to make sure he stays healthy to reach his games played bonus.

Peter Worrell – Probably one of the better fighters, but contradicts Gretzky’s claim that you have to be able to skate to play in the NHL.

Mike Ricci – One of the better role players in the league, but probably the ugliest man in professional sports. Cut your hair and get some teeth and a nose job.

Second Team

Goalie

Trevor Kidd – The leafs should put Dryden between the pipes before Kidd. What ever they’re paying him, it’s too much. He couldn’t stop the puck if it was 5’ x 7’.

Defense

Dale Puriton – The Pylon. What the hell – the entire Ranger’s defense.

Derek Morris – Big talker. Problem in Calgary and couldn’t get it done in Colorado.

Forward

Alexei Yashin – How many contract hold outs did he have? How many charities did he renege on? How easy is it to check him in the playoffs? All Corson had to do was look at him to keep him off the score sheet.

Mike Ribeiro – He will never live down that act in the playoffs.

Todd Marchant – went from being recognized as one of the best checkers/penalty killers in the game to squat. Horrible plus minus and brutal shooting percentage to go with his fat contract.

Dishonorable mention:

Alexandre Daigle – I was surprised to see he actually had a pretty good year in Minny last year….doesn’t make up for years of uselessness in Ottawa/Philly/Tampa/New York/Pittsburgh though.

Dick Tarnstrom – Too bad +/- doesn’t count on the power play. Yikes, -37.

Trevor Linden – Union boy. I believe was quoted saying that whatever teams weren’t making money should be sold and moved to a city where they could. “Two franchises for sale (Ottawa, Buffalo)… anyone….anyone….please…..”

Bryan McCabe – What a moron – a lot of good quotes from this clown. “If they want a hard cap we’ll sit out for the rest of our lives.” …. “The players have to be able to make a living”

Brett Hull – thanks for coming out.

Patrick Lalime – What a year this guy had. He admits he was shaky all year, but played fairly well for 6 playoff games. Until those two goals by Nieuwendyk in game 7. Yikes.

Tommy Salo – that one goal killed his career

Todd Bertuzzi – no need to elaborate

Mike Danton – no need to elaborate

Mats Sundin – this is actually not fair, but he represents all those losers who continue to use the one-piece sticks that break like twigs. He’s the only one stupid enough to throw it into the stands though.

For the owners’ side of this imbecilic equation, maybe someone could come up with a list of the most bone-headed signings – Lapointe, Holik, Kidd, etc. Way too much $$$ for these guys.


31 Responses to All star antithesis

  1. voiceofreason says:

    How can you not have Nik Antropov at the top of that list?

    You could prop up King Clancy’s bones on skates and still have more heart (not to mention speed).

  2. Flyers_Fan_In_LA says:

    First team:

    Goal:

    – can’t argue with Checko. What a headcase in Philly. Great stats and a worthy fantasy guy at the right price but talk about a guy who FOLDS under pressure.

    Forwards:

    – Lindros again is a no-brainer on EVERY level of meaning. Carl and Bonnie will have to feed him his Jelly’s blended up and on a spoon soon after his disapointing, entitiled carrer ends.

    – Martin Havlat – He is a deadman for his hit on Recchi. The brawl between PHI and Ott wasn’t enough considering his cowering ass was shaking in the penalty box. Donald Brasher is looking for you. He might run you over with his Lamborghini and leave 24 inch rim marks on your empty skull.

    – Teemu Salane – what the hell happened to this 107 point scorer (he did 107 2x). Being around all that talent makes you suck?

    – Darcy Tucker – When you are best known for cheapshots you should be playing in another league.

    D-men

    – Scott Stevens – I just can’t call it a coincidence that all of these players go down with injuries at key times when he is on the ice. If Lindros ever sees him on the ice again he should MAN UP and beat the HELL out of him. I might consider taking Lindros off my list if he did this (one more time) but I somehow doubt this will happen considering the j-ello bowl nature of their respective domes.

    —–

    In case you can’t tell I am pretty damn bitter. 🙂

  3. dkball7 says:

    No one ever has or ever will “beat the hell out of” Scott Stevens.

  4. dkball7 says:

    LOL I love the Salo comment. Its so true, but actually a little bit sad, he was a very good goalie, then he just freaked out or something.

  5. ranger_fan says:

    Imagine how a 5’x7′ puck weighs. I wouldnt get in front of it! LOL Im just messin with you.

  6. hockeyhead says:

    amen werdo, mike yard sale ribeiro is the biggest tool in the game today. sorry hab fans but a yellow belly skunk has no place in hockey.

    how bout jagr. “i don’t want to spend the summer playing in the world cup” what a freakin talented disgrace.

  7. hockeyhead says:

    also mad mike milbury making him cry in an arbitration hearing. you suck man no money for you.

  8. habs_punk says:

    well shit, say all you want about ribeiro, im still a fan. hell, there have been more bullshit plays and stories from other players, but this one gets blown out of proportion. who are you to say that he was lying about having a pinched nerve? im not saying its definately true, but i know people who have had the same thing happen to them and then it just goes away after like a minute. the yapping at lapointe on the bench, he’s c*cky, but since when is being c*cky a bad thing in hockey? the kid has some serious talent and is still only like 24.

  9. habs_punk says:

    first jackass team….

    goalie:

    hasek, what he pulled on cujo last year was disgusting, and im not even a cujo fan.

    defense:

    bryan mccabe, mr. minus 5, who cant support his family on $3 million a year

    bryan marchment, this has nothing to do with the fact that he’s a leaf but everything to do with the number of players he’s injured with knee-on-knee hits.

    forward:

    jagr, didnt want to play at the world cup, all the talent in the world but never uses it, and how about that idiotic salute he used to do every time he scored

    brett hull, Canadian playing for the States, need i say more? oh ya, “eff the fans”

    patrice bergeron, ducking to avoid a hit? i hope begin knocks his head off if montreal ever plays boston again.

    second team

    goalie:

    kidd, i cant think of any starters, so im gonna have to go with kidd. why wont the leafs give telqvist a chance?? are they just planning on continually signing free agent goalies and letting telqvist spend his whole career in the minors?

    defense:

    niinnima, walking out on his team in the middle of the world cup because he didnt like the coach.

    klesla, declares the czech republic as the top hockey nation in the world after a world junior and world championship victory.

    forward:

    kovalchuk, fun to watch, but not a fan after the hot dogging at the world juniors… and he’s russian

    yashin, holds out for a big contract in ottawa, then signs a rediculous one with the isles… i guess milbury’s partly to blame for that one.

    linden, used to like him, but he’s the player’s representative in the cba talks

  10. werdo says:

    Yeah, I didn’t know what to think of it when it happened…could have been legit, but that shit-eating grin on the bench didn’t help him. Fact is, 99% of the fans think he was acting. As the saying goes…perception is nine tenths of reality…

    He is a major talent though.

  11. hockeyhead says:

    being a bruins fan has something to do with why i hate him.

    the way he acted after the fact is what burns my a%s. i would respect him if he dropped the gloves and marty the party beat the crap out of him.

    at least he would not be a yellowed belly skunk. he would just be a faker.

    sorry. nothing has made me more mad since ulf kneed cam neely

  12. habs_punk says:

    no, if he dropped the gloves with lapointe he would be stupid. lapointe’s got 30 lbs on him, that would be the dumbest thing for him to do.

  13. hockeyhead says:

    which is why i would respect him. anyone that mouths off should be ready to drop the gloves. either that or don’t mouth off.

  14. hockeyhead says:

    defending my b’s again. how bout when bergeron was thrown into theodore and jose comes up from behind and belts him? cheap!

    he could of pulled a kenny linesman and stuck out his butt end instead of ducking.

  15. 19Yzerman says:

    Peter Worrel could bust that Stevens up and leave him with a SWELLIN MELLON.

  16. 19Yzerman says:

    Any player that will climb over the glass and into that stands and beat a fan with their own shoe deserves a raise.

  17. hockeyhead says:

    all time idiot team

    goal- ron hextall (don’t get in front of that net, you may feel the lumber)

    defence- ulf samuleson (ask cam neely, and wears a shield too.)

    -petr svoboda (i love how he had no shoulders)

    forwards -claude lemieux (ask cam or drapes)

    -dale hunter (ask lafontaine, even tho i love dale hunter)

    -chris nilan (how is middleton’s teeth after the but end)

    mentions: ken the rat linesman (biter)(loved him tho)

    bob sweeney (turtle boy)

    dave tiger williams

    back up goalie jim craig (big fan of the sauce)

  18. hockeyhead says:

    they showed those highlights the other day, after that lady got belted in the head with a chair.

    good days for the b’s.

  19. Flyers_Fan_In_LA says:

    Brasher could rip stevens from limb to limb. I only wish for a chance for him to do it…

  20. Flyers_Fan_In_LA says:

    Clarkie made a living out of starting trouble on the ice. Ribero (a $1 guy on my now-on-hold fantasy team) should call #16 and get some lessons as how to fine tune his acting skills.

  21. hockeyhead says:

    and that is why bobbie has no teeth.

    dude, i am fine with the rats of the nhl, but you better be ready to get called out when your time is up.

  22. EmptyNetter says:

    Looks like you’ve got some “petty grudges” mixed in. Patrice Bergeron ducking to avoid a hit? Looked like Begin was loaded for bear if he missed his check but injured himself enough to leave the game. And it’s been a few years since Kovalchuk played in the World Juniors.

  23. habs_punk says:

    hard to tell when bergeron gets thrown into the goalie, he ran theo enough times through the regular season and the playoffs that he deserved the shot anyways. bergeron’s a good player, but an 18 year old already giving cheap shots and that kinda shit.

    even if he didnt mean to injure begin, ducking to avoid a hit is just plain chicken. besides what do expect to happen when you’re that close to the boards and you duck to avoid a check. same thing as would happen if another bruin player stuck a stick or leg out to trip him into the boards. it was one of the cheapest plays ive seen in awhile

  24. habs_punk says:

    ya, i was kinda stretching on the kovalchuk one, theres not to many forwards that i hate.

    but the bergeron play was extremely cheap. you think begin shoulda gone in there softly and let up on his check? he’s a hitter, thats why he’s out there, if he lets up on his checks, he isnt gonna play. you just don’t duck to avoid a check, you’re gonna seriously injure someone that way.

  25. Kamakaze says:

    All you guys are crazy, Scott Stevens is like 40 years old, has played the game at an extreamly high (and hard) level his entier career (most of you forget he once led his team in points one year, and was a very good offensive player early on). Not to mention he could kick the crap out of most anyone who passed his way.

    At this point in his career, he probably would take a beating from some of the top fighters in the league (he could still f**k Lindros s**t up…), but none of them would face up to him, he’s practicaly a legend, they respect him to much.

    not to mention that about 5 years ago, he would beat them like small dogs and piss on their graves…

  26. Kamakaze says:

    All you guys are crazy, Scott Stevens is like 40 years old, has played the game at an extreamly high (and hard) level his entier career (most of you forget he once led his team in points one year, and was a very good offensive player early on). Not to mention he could kick the crap out of most anyone who passed his way.

    At this point in his career, he probably would take a beating from some of the top fighters in the league (he could still f**k Lindros s**t up…), but none of them would face up to him, he’s practicaly a legend, they respect him to much.

    not to mention that about 5 years ago, he would beat them like small dogs and piss on their graves…

  27. faceoff says:

    1ST TEAM

    G- Ed Belfour: Has no problem signing a ridiculously huge contract that is protected during a lockout and then has back surgery. No coincidence he gets paid during a lockout if he is injured. He could have had the surgery months earlier, but he decides to wait until a deal is done. I guess he still owes that security guard a bjillion dollars.

    D- Bryan McCabe: his comments about needing enough money to live comfortably, while earning 3 million is sickening.

    D-Trevor Daley: Moron utters death threats to a doorman at a nightclub.

    F- Jeff O’Neill: Earlier this year he commented that in the event of a lockout the guys earning 10 million dollars will be fine, but the rest of “us” are going to have to budget. This from another 3 million dollar player. Good player, but this comment gets him on the list.

    F- Steve McKenna: Solid 4th liner, but again another moronic comment regarding the lockout gets a player on the list. He said some guys like himself would be lining up on the bread line if there was a lockout. Salary, $400,000. Either this guy has a horrible financial advisor or a serious dependency problem.

    F- Bobby Holik: A third liner, maybe a second, who has never had a more than a 65 point season turns down a 5 year deal worth 40 million from the Leafs. Then he turns down an 8.5 million a year deal from NYR because he wants 9 million, which they are stupid enough to give. After that his biggest concern is how much the luxury box his contract requires him to purchase and use for charity events is going to cost. The a**hole should have just done considering the lottery he won.

    2nd TEAM

    G-Marty Turco: Has proven he is not a money goalie when it counts.

    D- Thomas Kaberle: Nothing personal against the guy, but overrated and as soft as they come.

    D- Tom Poti: Same as above. Very overrated.

    F- Darcy Tucker- Cheap player and biggest whiner in the league

    F- Mark Messier- Has done nothing the past 7 years but cling to his success in 94. His bold guarantee win over Jersey was impressive, but what has he done since? It’s funny how no one ever mentions he guaranteed a playoff spot for when he returned to the Rangers and again he did it last year. He went to Vancouver for money only. He was quoted as saying that during his press conference there. He then takes #11, a number that may not have been retired, but was respected and hadn’t been worn by a Canuck player since Wayne Maki’s death in 1973. After the family raises concerns of it does Messier do the right thing and give it up? No he and his ego keep it and insult the family by donating $10,000 of his 6 million a year salary to a charity in Wayne Maki’s name. This guy has only been playing for himself since 94.

    F- Mike Ribeiro: already been mentioned, but his act last playoffs was right up there with Claude Lemieux’s antics. Awful.

    DISHONOURABLE MENTION:

    Peter Forsberg: Amazing player, but either go home to Sweden or shut up! I’m tired of hearing him repeating that he is thinking of quitting the NHL to play in his homeland.

    Bill Guerin: His attack on prospect Brett Draney a couple of years back was awful and went unpunished. I don’t care if it was during a training camp practice. You deliberately two hand a guy in the throat, you’re not only an idiot but should be gone for half a season. Plus he is extremely overrated. He has cracked 70 points once in his career and he is talked about (and paid) like he is one of the best players in the league, when all he is is one of the most overpaid.

  28. TheCoach says:

    Ha! Brashear getting Havlat? I don’t think big bad Brashear will be able to catch anyone, let alone a speedster like Havlat.

    But seriously, you are blowing that incident way out of proportion. It was not a big deal. The 6’1 Havlatspun around with his stick up, and it almost hit 5’9 Mark Recchi, almost. Recchi didn’t even miss a shift. The stick didn’t even hit him.

  29. messier11 says:

    woooo dude dont be dissin my boy messier,the best two way player who ever played,oh ya and in 97 he led the rangers all the way to the eastern conference finals, thats wut hes done since 94.

  30. GilaMonster says:

    the mike ricci one i disagree with i mean i know he looks like a horses ass but c’mon.

    and another thing trevor linden is a f’ing dumbass he lost all my respect with his comment stating that all teams that lose money should be sold and moved somewhere where they could.i mean the la kings and and ny rangers lost money so what hes saying is that the nations 2 largest media capitals cant support a team?

  31. PayUpSucka says:

    With a little puke pus sy like Ribiero on your team you have no grounds to sh it on Bergeron.

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