Breaking Weekly World News

… flash….news flash… flash…….

1.) Jose Theodore is reportedly 6 and 7/8 inches away from becoming a Colorado Avalanche. Sources say finalization of the deal hinges on Jose being able to assume ownership of several “Payday Loan” franchises in the Denver area, currently owned by Valeri Kamensky.

2.) The Nashville Predators held a press conference today. Nobody went, so we have no idea what it was about.

3.) Anonymous sources in the NHL hierarchy have unequivocally stated that the New York Rangers will be exempt from any salary cap impositions that may be imposed after expiration of the current CBA. This intrepid reporter was told, “They’ve been throwing money away for years, and it’s never amounted to a fart in a windstorm. Why penalize them further?”.

4.) Peter Forsberg has stated that, in lieu of returning to Sweden, he would considering playing for a franchise in Wisconsin or the Dakotas, since it would be, “just like going home”.

SCTP – “If Dickie Dunn wrote it, it must be true”….

84 Responses to Breaking Weekly World News

  1. defenestrate says:

    try to keep that visual out of your mind – comedy is not pretty.

  2. TML51 says:

    1) I’ve heard the same…however he stated he’d only go if his brothers could go as well!

    2) Apparently the guys frome NASCAR were putting on a seminar of how to torque lugnuts, ergo no one was left to go to the Predators news conference.

    3)In addition to throwing money away, the NHLPA was considering giving them an award for singlehandedly driving up the price of mediocre talent to rediculous levels (see HOLIK, B. and KASPARITIS, D.) thereby making the NHL a much better place!

    4)I’ll just leave that one alone!

    Keep it up defenstrate! Love it when you post this stuff! Keeps it fresh in here!

  3. STPMCPHEE says:

    That’s some great work with the thesaurus!

  4. defenestrate says:

    2.) The NASCAR guys had a personal appearance by the “Miller Lite Catfight Girls”, so you really can’t blame everybody for bailing on the Preds…

    Btw, I think I’ve seen some “torqued lugnuts” on this site….

  5. Freeze says:

    Oh, for crying out loud. Will you two stop jacking each other off in public?! This is a family web site!!

  6. shady313 says:

    defenestrate.. you don’t know what you’re talking about

  7. BosBrn77 says:

    Actually….. two people!!!

  8. DrHockey says:

    “I fart in your general direction!” – Monty Python

  9. Goldenscud says:

    This is a great example kids on submitting relevent, witty, and interesting articles. Good job D-man, I am sure this kind of controversal and insightful writing took its toll on you mentally.

  10. slapshot1975 says:

    the fact that so many people think this is serious is at least 500 times funnier than the joke itself.

  11. defenestrate says:

    “People” may be stretching it just a tad…….

  12. defenestrate says:

    I know – and I bet with myself about that. I owe myself $10.00 now……

  13. defenestrate says:

    Did you just realize that now?

  14. defenestrate says:

    I love sarcasm…25,000 points.

  15. TML51 says:

    Well, if that was the case…I’d be there too!

    Agreed about the “tourqued lugnuts”…wholeheartedly!

  16. Bodster says:

    Defenestrate is a herb – and anyone who thinks his posts are funny need to get out more. Honestly people – you really think this stuff is funny?

  17. defenestrate says:

    No – we think YOUR stuff is funny – so put it away, so no one is subjected to the sight of it.

    Go join the “ex-spurt” and the rest of the “flat-earthers”…..

  18. Bodster says:

    I bet you respond in less then 10 minutes. I also bet it wont be funny.

  19. defenestrate says:

    Sorry, Mr. Cleaver. Have we offended your delicate sensibilities? Or have you not learned to use the scroll button yet? Or are you sick of running to the thesaurus? Or do you just have a large stick up your….

    Oh, I get it. You’re one of the “flat-earthers”. I should’ve known.

  20. starsgirl25 says:

    i regret to inform you that that is my line and you have borrowed it without my permission, i would like to have it back now.

  21. defenestrate says:

    “Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries”.

  22. starsgirl25 says:

    how dare ye say such horrible things?

  23. defenestrate says:

    “We are French! Go away or we shall taunt you a second time!”

  24. starsgirl25 says:

    run away!!!!!!! run away!!!!!!!!

  25. defenestrate says:

    Don’t make me break out the “holy hand grenade”. We’re already going to get yelled at for going “off-topic”. Even though no one seems to be aware of what the topic is……….

  26. starsgirl25 says:

    did your story have a topic in the first place? it was more of a joke, at least i think

  27. defenestrate says:

    Apparently, a lot of people thought it did…..another successful step in my nefarious plans…insert evil villian laugh here.

  28. starsgirl25 says:

    u have nefarious plans? do tell good sir

  29. defenestrate says:

    In time, all will be revealed – maybe at the next SCTP meeting.

  30. defenestrate says:


    When they didn’t have drawing boards, what did they go back to when something didn’t work?

    You lose both bets.

  31. slapshot1975 says:


  32. devfanman4 says:

    1 – There’s no way Theodore is going to the Avs! I didn’t know Valeri Kamensky owned the Payday Loan franchises in the Denver area!

    2 – Was this on Was there a big trade announced?

    Ok I’m done being gullible. I heard the NHL was going to throw all the future has beens at the Rangers “just to see what happens.” Great job D-strate. I enjoy your work. I’m upset that I always miss the Monty Python references so I’m going to add one here.

    “I’m not dead yet, I’m feeling much better.”

  33. big_booty says:

    He’ll go the way of the Crimson Permanent Assurance eventually.

    “He not gay – he got a big cock.”

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