Ken, Mike, and Sergei: A Fable

Sergei often thought about the open road. “Oh, the things I could do out there. Boy, howdy. What I could do out there. I’m stuck in Motown. I could be living it up in the sun.”His parents, Ken and Mike, provided the best they could for him. They bought him automobiles, gave him endless amounts of money, because they cared about their son.

They didn’t understand the kind of people Sergei hung around. “Pat understands me, Dad!” he screamed after a fight. Pat Brisson, the no good punk who just moved in next door. Ken, the “Dad” of the relationship got his temper stirred, yelling “Fine, go out there. See what you get! No one is going to provide for you the way we do!”

So Pat and Sergei loaded up into a Ferrari onto the open road. The found a pond in South California with a nice view, but when their people listened to Pat’s demands, they wondered if they should take such a risk. “I don’t know, $12 million? Seems mighty steep. Give us some time to think about it?” Pat left after they exchanged AIM screen names, but the people from California didn’t answer back.

Next, they visited the millionaires in New York. Sergei thought, “This isn’t sunny. And I wouldn’t be the only big guy here.” Pat responded bitterly, “But now you’ll be FREE! No obligations to win!”

“Sorry, kids, but we’re losing money fast. We just can’t afford to keep you here. Come back and see us in a while. We’ll have a spot open after Eric suffers a severe head trauma.”

Dejected, but still hoping to find the proverbial El Dorado, Sergei and Pat went to St. Louis.

The man from St. Louis wearing a blue suit said, “I’ll give you a load of money, but for one year, ’cause we’re gonna bail outta here after 2004. You understand, see? Every man for himself?”

Sergei had seen it all so clearly. There was no promised land. There was no land of riches. “Pat, I’m sick of travelling all over the place. I–I wanna go home!”

“No! It’s not too late, I–we can still beat them!”

“I don’t want to beat anyone! I just want to get paid.”

“Fine, but I’m taking the Ferrari, jerk.”

And off Pat drove into the Missouri sunset. Sergei hitched a ride on the back of a farm truck all the way back to Motown. He returned to the footsteps where he grew up with his friends, where he had his best memories. There were his parents, sitting on the front porch with a contract. Ken and Mike smiled. “We knew you’d be back.” The dirty and pathetic Sergei fell to his knees, crying, signing his name to the 4 year, $34 million deal. “I’m sorry, Dads.”

Clearly the qualitity of this fiction isn’t that good, but make no bones about it: money talks and Sergei listens. Detroit is the only team ponying up reasonable numbers for him. Unless other teams start clearing up room, Sergei, despite the appearance of burned bridges, could make a reluctant return to Motown.


38 Responses to Ken, Mike, and Sergei: A Fable

  1. DG says:

    Maybe it’s just me, but I quite like the fiction. Explains the case quite well. I think it’s quite odd that Sergei Federov says he’s leaving the Detroit Red Wings only to start talks with them again…not enough money out there for you?


  2. j2digit says:

    sure feels like that, Pat is the real devil here. He got into Sergie’s head and blew it up so big thinking teams were lining up to sign him much like Carolina did years ago. He should be happy that not only did Detroit match that offer, but that they also won 2 more cups. Granted he was a big part of that success but so was everyone else. I mean everyone contributed from the Malby’s to the Kocur’s to basically everyone. No one man can win the Stanley cup.
    Funny, most player would take a paycut to go get a chance to win the Lord’s cup. I guess in Sergie’s case he’s really after the money having won the cup 3 times already.

  3. bruinfan37 says:

    As much as I hate having news posted that everyone knows, I enjoyed this. It was an interesting way of putting it. Good article

  4. nYrONLYcCASH says:


  5. Guz09 says:

    Can someone tell me if we sign federoe. What are we gonna get for CuJO?

  6. Guz09 says:

    Can someone tell me if we sign federoe. What are we gonna get for CuJO?

  7. STONECOLD says:

    If he goes and accepts that offer he’s a fool. The Wings will spend more if he holds out. Look their paying The Dominator 8 million a year Federov is younger and can get more regardless of what these fans on this post think.Hasek is 38 getting 8 million Federov is younger being offered 8 million whats the problem with this. The Wings are still trying to get away with paying peanuts and it has to stop. Federov is worth at least 9 million and I hope he holds out for it because they will pay it no doubt about it. If he told the press he’s asking price is 9 million the teams that want him will go up drasticaly. Right now he is in the driver seat regardless of what is posted here. So please Federov don’t look like a fool and take that garbage offer they our offering you, stand your ground and get your money that is due you.

  8. matteo says:

    Does that mean that they have sex…..or that one of them gave birth to Sergei…..the sheer mechanics of that feat would be astounding.

  9. 10TimeChamps says:

    I wouldnt say Dom isnt worth it. He won us a stanley cup in his only year here. He had 6 shutouts in the playoffs, and at the time that was a record. And just look at his trophy room. Dom is definaltey worth the money. I do agree Federov is worth 9 million, but they offered him a 5 year 50 mill contract, and a 4 year 40 year contract which would have paid him 10 mill a year. He rejected them both. Now we have signed Dom and Hatcher. I dont think we have the funds to offer him the same deal. But I guess we will have to wait and see.

  10. DRWings14 says:

    Also, keep in mind that Dom was technically still under contract with the Wings and the 8 million was non-negotiable. If the Wings could have gotten Dom back for less, they certainly would have. And as far as worth goes in the NHL, monetarily speaking, you’re only worth as much as a team is willing to pay.

  11. STONECOLD says:

    It was a option year for the contract, if The Redwings don’t pick up the option he can become a UFA and holland wasn’t about to let any other team pick him up. I think they made a mistake with him this year Hasek is not going to be the same, if Detroit would have passed on the option no other team would pay him that much money at his age. The Wings kinda hurt them selfs with Hatcher,and Hasek in the long run. Neither was really needed The Redwings did somthing similar last year with we had to have Cujo mindset, and look what happened. I’m not saying Hasek wasn’t worth 8 million just not at his age would I pay that. Just look how the rest of the league except Detroit is paying players. Detroit will lose Federov and will have another first round exit their core players are old and will burn out toward the end of the season again. All the D in the world isn’t going to score you goals,and The Dominator will dominate no more. Detroit fans will be missing Federov then.

  12. MoscowDynamo says:

    What the hell are you talking about, idiot?! “Stand your ground Sergei”? I think that’s what he’s doing, to no avail. I don’t know if you can understand multisyllabic words, but, he’s UNRESTRICTED!!!! Do you know what that means? It’s in HIS hands, you idiot!! Since when is 8 million peanuts anyway? If he was worth what you think he is, why hasn’t Anaheim, NY, St. Louis, LA put up the $? Tell you what, since your the only person that seems to think Sergei is worth $12 million or whatever this year, why don’t YOU put up the money and take Sergei somewhere nice.

    Also, you’re comparing Hasek’s salary and age to Fedorov’s. How do you do that? They’re completely different categories.

    My prediction: the Wings and Sergei will meet somewhere in the middle, $9 million, 4 years. And suckers like you and your team (probably Colorado) will be shaking in your booties.

  13. STONECOLD says:

    Why I’m I an idiot? I didn’t call you names i just posted my thoughts. I know he is UFA what I was talking about in my last post was Haseks option year when he returned from retirement. I can’t believe somebody would get all pissed about my statement, please take a chill pill and act your age not your shoe size there killer. If you don’t agree with me thats fine,but no need for the name calling is there. If I in some way offened you im sorry, but I must say that you just can’t go around calling names. Oh yeah I no for dam sure if I was in front of you you would not attempt such nonsense, so please show some respect for others opinions. I’m sure not everybody agrees with your comments, but nobody is calling you names. One more thing I highly doubt Colorado is shaking in their boots. The Avs have been playing against Federov for years now, and I beleive it’s the other way around you are praying you keep Federov cause you’ll need his O this year more then ever, considering who they signed over in Colorado.

  14. devfanman4 says:

    No player is worth that much money. Federov should stop whining and take a big pay cut to come back to the Wings. They don’t have the money they were offering him before since they signed Hatcher and Hasek now.

  15. devfanman4 says:

    Haha…what a great perspective. Thanks for the laughs Rampage Winger.

  16. j2digit says:

    he’s already a fool for spurning a five year 50 million dollar offered by owner mike himself. Then it was down to four years 40 million and now after signing Derian H., its down to 8 million a year for 4 years max. and believe me, every team knows already that they can’t afford his price , and the one’s that can , don’t have the “supporting cast he needs” otherwise he’d be off the ,market already.

  17. BosBrn77 says:

    No player is worth 9 million!! This is the reason why ticket prices keep going up, because these guys make too much damn money! This is why Washington is looking to trade off Jagr. It is why Dallas wants to move Guerin, and St. Louis wants to move Weight or Tkuchuk. Nobody should make that much money for playing ANY game! Not Thornton…. not Forsberg….. not Lemiuex…… NOBODY!!

    The average salary for a hockey fan is around $45,000.00 a year. What makes these greedy bastards think we can keep afford to see them play? It has to stop some day! Granted, these guys are the best of the best. But do they save lives like firemen or police officers? Can they repair engines on airplanes to avoid disasters? I know I’m going a little overboard… but to say that Federov is worth more then “just” 8 million… or even worse… that 8 million is peanuts…. that is crazy.

    One question for you Stonecold……. will you be my boss? Sounds like you would pay very well! LOL! (no disrespect meant!)

  18. Donovan says:

    I can do if not better, as good

    Once upon a time there was an ogre named Quinn. Quinn served as the gate-keeper to a mystical paradise called Toronto. His job was to deney entry to all who seeked entrance. Also he would cast undisirables out into the wilderness. His first job was to remove a durable blacksmith named Corson, who had professed his love to a fair maiden belonging to a high-ranking nobleman.

    One day along came a powerful warrior came to Toronto. His name was Derian, and he had been waging war in the desert for the past decade. Quinn paid no attention to Derian and cast him away.

    Next came a lumberjack from the mountains named Greg. He to was denied entrance. Quinn claimed that could be alowed into the city because one of thier warriors was being held for ransom in a far away land callled Chzecholslavkia.

    Finnally the right man came to Toronto. He was a hulking galoot that had been banished from his home in sunny California. When Quinn heard about his many unhonorable deeds he was immeadiately let in.

    The peasents of Toronto soon grew unreastless, as the army was deafeated again and again by its rival from the kingdoms of Ottawa and Philadelphia. They soon called for Quinn to be be-headed and a worthy succesor to be found.

  19. Habfan1234 says:

    Fedorov is not “worth” 9 million dollars per season and for that matter no other hockey player is worth that much. If I saw that the team I am playing for offered me $50 mil over five years I would look for a pen and sign the contract ASAP. I think I could live comfortably with that $50 mil over my whole lifetime and the following generations of my family too. Fedorov is nothing more than an avaricious individual and all respect I had for him has departed.

    Personally I think there should be a cap as to how much a player can get payed, say 5 or 6 mil a season. The only way that that figure would go up is if the owners make more money than they thought they would for that year. The players and owner(s) would split the profits in half.

  20. aaron says:

    Here’s a better one.

    Once, there was a dirt heap called Toronto. Its citizens liked to think of it as the greatest paradise there ever was, and frothed at the mouth at the thought of all the great warriors who would come to defend its honor for peanuts. However, soon they discovered that none of these great warriors would come anywhere near their “paradise”. Only a band of mediocre warriors would soil themselves and declare their loyalty to “T.O.” Angry, the fans began to look for a scapegoat and found one in Pat Quinn, who was desperately and unsuccessfully trying to lure anyone and everyone to come to Toronto. Unfortunately, none would even consider it, and Quinn was beheaded and given the blame.

    Fifty years later…

    A line of heads on sticks lead up to the gates of he…Toronto. All the GMs who failed to attract any talent to the Cupless land gaze out, and the Cup drought continues ever more…

  21. aaron says:

    *mouth twists into a smile* Hehe, I found that amusing despite myself.

  22. aaron says:

    The Wings payroll has gone up something like 10 million dollars this offseason (probably more), and we’re supposed to be cutting it back. MEANING we don’t have any money to throw Fedorov’s way.

    Regardless, he’s not worth it. Now that his contract year’s over, he’ll go back to his 65 points per sesaon production pace he’s been at since his last contract. Hasek’s a world class goalie. He’s worth a hell of a lot more than an inconsistant, moody, arrogant, money grubbing center.

    I honestly don’t even think Fedorov’s worth the 8 million he’s being offered now. I’d put his worth more in the 6-7 million dollar range. Not that we can afford him at that price either.

    Regardless, the Wings aren’t going to miss a beat without Fedorov. We didn’t miss one without Yzerman, and he’s a hell of a lot more important to the team than Sergei. We’ve replaced Sergei w/ Yzerman; that’s a fair enough trade in my books.

  23. Seattleaf says:

    Oooooh He must hate Toronto with a passion! It’s almost impressive…. almost.

  24. yoda0037 says:

    Great Point …thats why boston doesn’t pay out like those other clubs.NYR Det Dal……here this organization wants players that want it, that have heart, and the desire to raise lords stanley cup , not there bank accounts… isn’t that the BIG Goal is Raise lord stanley’s cup ..many should follow kayira’s path, even after he win the cup in .they need to swallow there ego….

    PS.Lindros shouldn’t even be in the league for nic —picking what team he plays for,before he realized that no-one wants him besides.nyr .and no-trade clauses PLEASE…Cujoke….

  25. Donovan says:

    Now that is hilarious!

  26. MoscowDynamo says:

    Fair enough. I retract the “idiot” comment.

    I’ve read far too many “the Wings aren’t showing Fedorov any respect” and “Sergei’s gone! There’s no way he’ll accept the latest insult from the Wings” comments.

    This is what negotiation is all about. And so far, the best offer he’s received is from Holland. I think the chances of Fedorov being back are pretty good, and improving with each passing day w/ no better offers from other teams.

    As for Colorado’s offense, yeah, on paper it looks second to none. But ask the Rangers about the translation from paper to product on the ice. The Avs should start worrying about their defense and those huge empty skates between the pipes.

    Sorry for the comments I offended you with, I guess with the user name STONECOLD I figured you weren’t so sensitive.


  27. kidhenry1 says:

    why would he hold out before the CBA?

    if he plays this year, he can make some quick cash and find a team he really wants to play for

  28. Just-Checking-In says:

    Have you just been in a coma for like the last three years and suddenly you have awoke and decided to grace us with your wisdom.

    Basically, have you been keeping up with current events?

    Lets look at what you had to say and reflect on it.

    You stated, “Look their paying The Dominator 8 million a year Federov is younger and can get more regardless of what these fans on this post think.Hasek is 38 getting 8 million Federov is younger being offered 8 million whats the problem with this.”

    Now it is true, Domink Hasek is getting 8 million, HOWEVER, that is only for one year. Fedorov could probably get a 1 year $10 million dollar contract from a couple of teams, HOWEVER, players are looking for a long term deal. Fedorov is looking for a 5 or 6 year deal. He does not want to have to go shopping under the new CBA twice, he wants a long term deal NOW.

    So comparing the two really does not make sense.

    Next your brilliant words of wisdom stated, “The Wings are still trying to get away with paying peanuts and it has to stop.”

    I think the market has shown that five years for fifty million was really more than generous and hardly peanuts.

    Next there was this nugget. “Federov is worth at least 9 million and I hope he holds out for it because they will pay it no doubt about it. If he told the press he’s asking price is 9 million the teams that want him will go up drasticaly. Right now he is in the driver seat regardless of what is posted here.”

    Exactly which of these teams are looking to get into bed with Fedorov on a 4 or 5 year deal for $9 million a season? I can tell you there are a lot of teams looking to rid themselves of some pretty good hockey players making $7-$8-$9 million a season for less time than that on their contracts.

    Finally Pat Brisson you state, “Right now he is in the driver seat regardless of what is posted here. So please Federov don’t look like a fool and take that garbage offer they our offering you, stand your ground and get your money that is due you.”

    Ahh the wishful thinking. IF Detroit decides to trade say Cujo and end up with Doug Weight, do you think the Wings are also going to take on Fedorov for $9 million? Drivers seat???? You fool, there is no market for him. The longer this drags on, the cheaper he will come. Teams will address their needs and move on. Do you honestly think teams have an extra $9 million a season laying around for these types of players? No once the budget is spent, maybe at the trade deadline because by then most of that years deal has already been paid so the cash outlay is not that great, however long term deal after the season starts. With the new CBA coming, not going to happen.

  29. STONECOLD says:

    You really can’t compare the two, most of the Avs star players are D minded too as well as offensive minded. The ranger outside of Anson Carter on offense alll have no desire to back check or play D. So that is a big problem for them,but Colorado has gritty players. They are two different teams two different styles. I’m not sensitive there just wasn’t any need for the name calling is all I was saying.

  30. STONECOLD says:

    Thats cool and all, but why not try using your own thoughts and not others that have been posted already on this site. Yes when I say peanuts the Wings for years have been getting away with paying him peanuts he has been getting like 2 million a year. Federov deserves the long contract he’s proven he knows how to win and to do it often. I never claimed to be brilliant, but at least my thoughts our mine and not somebody elses. P.S. You posted a weak rebutal at best better luck next time.

  31. Just-Checking-In says:

    Well I will give you that this is at least original.

    Next though, do me a favor and stick with wrestling or someother sport that like American Gladiators or Dog Eat Dog which will not inhibit your ability to watch television and have to form intelligent thoughts.

    I think my history and contributions to this site speak for themselves. The day I bother to need to actually copy what others have written here to impress someone like you is the day I leave.

    Whether you think it is a weak rebuttal or not, really does not concern me. I thought I would go over point by point the laughable and misguided points you made, but simply doing an Ostrich act and burying your head to the facts around you does not change the fallacy of what you said.

    So since I obviously am not going to change your thoughts, and since you can not even understand my thoughts, I suppose that we will have to simply agree to disagree.

    As for you never claiming to be brilliant, I will have to agree with you there. Your response and original comment proved that me.

  32. STONECOLD says:

    If they were so misguided then why bother to comment. See once again I hear no Hockey out your mouth just plain useless thoughts. If your so sure that your thoughts helped this site then why did you comment without any hockey knowledge to prove your theroy on Federov. Please your just another chat room junkey in this world. Your comments are of no importants here so please spew that nonsense elsewhere nobody here is paying attention. Look at you at least I know i’m just average and not trying to pretend to be brilliant on a hockey site. I can go on all day about your lack of hockey knowledge you post here, then I realize that you really have no clue as to what your saying so I don’t. I’ve learned not to try and teach the unteachable, just accept their opinions and learn to deal with them. See not one degrading comment about you, that is the difference between you and me. I can relay a thought without degradeing somebody to make my insecure self feel better .

  33. forsbergFan says:

    mmmm bop, dop bop, mmmmm bop,, diddy bop dop mmmm bop dop doooom bop… yaaaa yaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  34. DRWings14 says:

    Fedorov won’t be afforded the opportunity to hold out this time. The Red Wings are waiting on his decision before they move Cujo. If Sergei doesn’t sign and “holds out” the Wings will trade Cujo for a center to replace him. The ball is still in Sergei’s court, but the Wings have the catalyst for him to make up his mind.

  35. defenestrate says:

    He was actually a bowel movement – hence the term “sh&thead”….

  36. defenestrate says:

    You’re embarassing yourself.

  37. forsbergFan says:

    Whatever you puke. It was just a joke. What??? you didnt like it. What are you a fucking nigger or something. Well here is something else that you might not like. In the Nhl they dont serve kentucky fried chicken and watermelon on a daily basis. You fucking puke. You make me sick

  38. defenestrate says:

    That went over the line – consider yourself marked for extinction.

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