Playoff Hockeyisms 101
Here are three things I learned in University….
1. Your opinion should always match the hottest girl’s in the class. Eg. “What a coincidence, I also think the Teapot Dome scandal was soooo boring”.
2. If “Animal House” has taught us anything it’s that every academic problem can be solved with some bootleg whiskey and loose co-eds.
3. The same concluding paragraph can be reworded for several different classes. Eg.. “(_________ can be compared to a game of three dimensional chess; an intricate game played on many different levels”…)
This has got me thinking about the Playoffs and the way that everything from press releases to player characterizations seems to flip around; it’s like when Spock becomes Evil Spock and you only know it because he now has a goatee. Anyhoo, here are some takes on NHL Playoff Hockeyisms
1. Injuries… Ok, apparently the Iraqi Minister of Defense is writing up the injury reports for the playoff teams. Lower Body Injury or Upper Body Injury. Wow, that’s about as revealing as an Amish stripper. Since they’re using false information anyways why not go all out… “Dan Cloutier is fine, death to the infidels…. He has already won the Cup of Stanley and is now sitting at the right hand of Allah.
2. “He’s a proven playoff performer… This means that during the regular season all his holding, roughing and high sticking crap results in stupid penalties but in the playoffs it won’t be called so he may actually do something to earn his way overpriced salary..”
3. “The (insert your chosen team here) won’t make it out of the first round.” Which means that if they do I will spend the rest of the playoffs removing my foot from my mouth trying to get people to believe I meant “They will get out of the first round”. (This applies mostly to Ray Ferraro and Nik Kypreos”
4. “We’re taking this one game at a time” really means “I have booked my plane reservations and started phoning that stripper I met in Vegas to meet me down in Puerto Rico. Our season’s done.
5. “We’re taking this one shift at a time” really means “Why the ^&*%*& do you always ask Modano before me.. I was going to say the one game at a time thing, stupid, stupid, stupid,…” (this applies mostly to Bill Guerin but you could fill in any second best player on any team”)
6. “For (insert your team here) to win in the playoffs they have to stay out of the penalty box” really means “ I have severely underestimated my ability to come up with something profound to say… I am questioning my career choice on an hourly basis and because the camera cut to me quickly I must think of something incredibly bland to say because if you really thought about it wouldn’t you want to stay out of the penalty box in the regular season also…”
7. “They control their own destiny” which really means… “ Maybe I should have finished college, I think my wife is stealing from me, perhaps this hairpiece doesn’t make me look like the Professor from Gilligan’s Island because if I stopped for a second and realized that destiny is already a pre determined concept that cannot be controlled or manipulated, I probably wouldn’t have drank that scotch beneath the desk and just said the same old crap I have been saying for the last 12 years”
8. Uhhhm, Uhhmm, Uhhhm .. “Me like Hockey” I can’t let go of my almost Hinckleyesque like hatred of Ray “I make Al Gore look like Ross Perot on a 3 day Cocaine Bender in Vegas” Ferraro.. (Subtlety about this guy being boring not included)
9. “They’re a good team with a lot of good players” really means “My Coach would have my cajones on a pointy stick hanging outside the dressing room if I actually said I think Calgary sucks and if I get the chance I may actually try to decapitate Denis Gauthier because of the little rat bastard that he is”
10. “We need to play a complete team game” really means “ What did he just ask? Does he think the Olsen Twins are hot too? Damn me and my short term memory problems, maybe I should just say something about our one game at a time…wait, Tkachuk just said that, Crap! Ok, I’ll just say something about team crap….”
11. “He’s a goalie with Stanley Cup experience…” really means “I have done absolutely no research on the subject of goaltending because I have been busy surfing porn websites and trying to put Don Cherry’s name into a dirty limerick I wrote. Maybe I should have said something about playoff experience being an artificial concept. It’s really being behind a good team that reinforces confidence not experience. Naaah, I think Cherry and Dingleberry is very funny..
12. “He’s a player I really respect” really means “ I can’t prove it but I think he slept with my girlfriend back when we played on the same Junior team. He also has my “Ramones” CD collection. God, I hate him.”