Pronger & Staios Do Wrestling Interview?

Ever witness a hockey interview that makes you want to reach in and choke the athlete? If interviews are going to be fake and somewhat scripted, then they should be done just like in wrestling.

Here’s the scene, interviewer (let’s call him Ralph) is standing in middle of the frame talking about the upcoming Game 7 in the Stanley Cup Finals.

Chris Pronger and Steve Staios saunter into the frame on either side, staring Ralph down. He looks up; fake startled at their presence. He asks Chris what he has to say about the game.

Dramatic pause. Staios is pounding his left hand with his right fist, a mean scowl across his face, and lightning (not the Tampa Bay kind) in his eyes.

Pronger turns slowly to face the camera and runs his hand along his jaw line, ending by rubbing his playoff goatee. An intense grimace of anger across his face, as he pauses just long enough.

“You know, Ralph, ever since this series started I wanted to crush that twerp. That gnat. Always buzzing around our zone.”

Staios punches his hands hard, once. His lip curls into a look of disgust.

“Brind’Amour, better keep your head up coming down the wing. Cause if I catch you napping old-timer, I’m gonna make ya part of the advertising.”

Staios agrees with slight nods, chin raised, now grinding his fist into his hand.

Ralph feigns shock.

“And if you think your girlfriend Erica-“

Staios lets out a hearty laugh and slaps Ralph in the back to the detriment of the microphone almost making contact with Pronger’s mouth. Pronger scolds Ralph for being a fool. Ralph cowers.

“Give me that thing,” says Pronger snatching the microphone from Ralph in disgust. “Who taught you to hold your phallic symbols? They should send you to a minor affiliate to learn how to use a mike, you glorified weatherman.”

Ralph shakes his head, raises his arms and is greeted to a shove on the back by Staios. He turns to face the hulking defender, looking confused and frightened. Staios extends his arms and shrugs his shoulders, shaking his head. He ends the sequence pointing to his head, as if asking Ralph if he is dumb.

With the microphone in his hand now, Pronger starts again. “Now where was I? Oh yeah. Erica.” Giggles and points to the camera. “Staal, if you think of sticking your nose into where it doesn’t belong-” Reaches across Ralph, smothering his face from the camera with an 18-inch python and slaps his partner on his puffed out chest. “Well, the mighty Steve, the horse, the immovable object, will have something to say about that, won’t you Steve?”

Pronger passes the microphone over to his partner, as Ralph makes a play to take hold of it again. Pronger stares down at him, while Staios starts screaming into the microphone facing the camera.

“That’s right Chris! Stillman, Recchi, Wesley, that goes for you too! Don’t let me catch any of you trying any funny business in our zone, you’ll have to face the twin balls of rage, Chris Pronger-” returns the smack to his chest, ” and Steve Staios,” flexing his biceps. “Erica, I’ve been waiting for a long time for this.” His voice intensifies with every sentence. The veins on his neck stick out as he screams into the microphone. “Now I get my chance, when you come over my blueline I am going to crush you.” He turns to look at Ralph. “Perhaps the viewers need a sample.”

Ralph grabs the mike away from Staios. “Now, now gentlemen, these are formidable opponents who won’t let you manhandle them in this fashion. But the question remains … who will win this game.”

Pronger grabs the microphone once again. “Were you dropped on your head as a child, Ralph? Didn’t you see how we responded after being down?” They both flex in unison. “They had us down, Ralph, do you need glasses? But they couldn’t finish it. They weren’t man enough for the job.”

“They dropped the ball.” He hissed. “Tonight, in front of all these fans, and the world …we will unleash a ball of rage. When we’re done with these Hurricanes,” more giggles, “they won’t be anything more than a gentle summer breeze.” He throws the microphone in disgust to the ground and walks out of the frame.

Staios growls through gritted teeth and poses, flexing his chest, showing off his pecs before he fakes a backhander to Ralph. Ralph flinches. He bends over to pick up the microphone.

“There you have it NHL fans, out in the open, tonight’s game will be an all out war. Don’t you dare miss it.”

Now tell me, wouldn’t that make for a better entertainment product?

Courtesy of Gus Katsaros