Pronger & Staios Do Wrestling Interview?

Ever witness a hockey interview that makes you want to reach in and choke the athlete? If interviews are going to be fake and somewhat scripted, then they should be done just like in wrestling.

Here’s the scene, interviewer (let’s call him Ralph) is standing in middle of the frame talking about the upcoming Game 7 in the Stanley Cup Finals.

Chris Pronger and Steve Staios saunter into the frame on either side, staring Ralph down. He looks up; fake startled at their presence. He asks Chris what he has to say about the game.

Dramatic pause. Staios is pounding his left hand with his right fist, a mean scowl across his face, and lightning (not the Tampa Bay kind) in his eyes.

Pronger turns slowly to face the camera and runs his hand along his jaw line, ending by rubbing his playoff goatee. An intense grimace of anger across his face, as he pauses just long enough.

“You know, Ralph, ever since this series started I wanted to crush that twerp. That gnat. Always buzzing around our zone.”

Staios punches his hands hard, once. His lip curls into a look of disgust.

“Brind’Amour, better keep your head up coming down the wing. Cause if I catch you napping old-timer, I’m gonna make ya part of the advertising.”

Staios agrees with slight nods, chin raised, now grinding his fist into his hand.

Ralph feigns shock.

“And if you think your girlfriend Erica-“

Staios lets out a hearty laugh and slaps Ralph in the back to the detriment of the microphone almost making contact with Pronger’s mouth. Pronger scolds Ralph for being a fool. Ralph cowers.

“Give me that thing,” says Pronger snatching the microphone from Ralph in disgust. “Who taught you to hold your phallic symbols? They should send you to a minor affiliate to learn how to use a mike, you glorified weatherman.”

Ralph shakes his head, raises his arms and is greeted to a shove on the back by Staios. He turns to face the hulking defender, looking confused and frightened. Staios extends his arms and shrugs his shoulders, shaking his head. He ends the sequence pointing to his head, as if asking Ralph if he is dumb.

With the microphone in his hand now, Pronger starts again. “Now where was I? Oh yeah. Erica.” Giggles and points to the camera. “Staal, if you think of sticking your nose into where it doesn’t belong-” Reaches across Ralph, smothering his face from the camera with an 18-inch python and slaps his partner on his puffed out chest. “Well, the mighty Steve, the horse, the immovable object, will have something to say about that, won’t you Steve?”

Pronger passes the microphone over to his partner, as Ralph makes a play to take hold of it again. Pronger stares down at him, while Staios starts screaming into the microphone facing the camera.

“That’s right Chris! Stillman, Recchi, Wesley, that goes for you too! Don’t let me catch any of you trying any funny business in our zone, you’ll have to face the twin balls of rage, Chris Pronger-” returns the smack to his chest, ” and Steve Staios,” flexing his biceps. “Erica, I’ve been waiting for a long time for this.” His voice intensifies with every sentence. The veins on his neck stick out as he screams into the microphone. “Now I get my chance, when you come over my blueline I am going to crush you.” He turns to look at Ralph. “Perhaps the viewers need a sample.”

Ralph grabs the mike away from Staios. “Now, now gentlemen, these are formidable opponents who won’t let you manhandle them in this fashion. But the question remains … who will win this game.”

Pronger grabs the microphone once again. “Were you dropped on your head as a child, Ralph? Didn’t you see how we responded after being down?” They both flex in unison. “They had us down, Ralph, do you need glasses? But they couldn’t finish it. They weren’t man enough for the job.”

“They dropped the ball.” He hissed. “Tonight, in front of all these fans, and the world …we will unleash a ball of rage. When we’re done with these Hurricanes,” more giggles, “they won’t be anything more than a gentle summer breeze.” He throws the microphone in disgust to the ground and walks out of the frame.

Staios growls through gritted teeth and poses, flexing his chest, showing off his pecs before he fakes a backhander to Ralph. Ralph flinches. He bends over to pick up the microphone.

“There you have it NHL fans, out in the open, tonight’s game will be an all out war. Don’t you dare miss it.”

Now tell me, wouldn’t that make for a better entertainment product?

Courtesy of Gus Katsaros

8 Responses to Pronger & Staios Do Wrestling Interview?

  1. Atomic_Wedgy says:

    BAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That would be better than a lot of sport interviews.

  2. Waffles says:

    Even that SOUNDS awesome, hahah. It would make hockey a joke, so it’s no good.

  3. Gretzkin says:

    Pronger is dead to the Oilers.

    This “fun read” is just a stupid piss off.

    Insert some other player into the story and it might be entertaining but lets just keep Pronger buried from the minds of everything Oiler for the rest of eternity.

    Personally, I like watching stupid hockey players do their stupid interviews the way they do them now.

    I pretend there is a “Kingston School of Hockey Interviews”, and Doug Gilmour and Kirk Muller are the professors with Don Cherry the President, teaching all of the Junior players how to look and talk dumb, while rolling off every boring cliche in the book.

    The only one in hockey that would be able to do the Wrestiling style of interview would be J.R.

  4. dcz28 says:

    I think Avery, Hull and Chelios could do the wrestling style interviews too.

  5. Gretzkin says:

    Agreed, I was going to say Avery as well, and I also think that Tucker would be good in “Crazy Tucker” mode.

    I was a bit hard on the writer of this article, but bringing back Pronger as an Oiler touched a sore spot…

  6. FlamingHomer says:

    1. You have way too much time on your hands.

    2. Let’s really analyze this idea. If hockey viewer decides to get up and make a sandwich during the game, I would think the player-interview segment would be the ideal time unless they felt they were going to miss out on a sports cliche that may happen to be fresh. Not likely. Again, speculating only, that advertising time probably isn’t generating as much dollars as say, the Don Cherry rantfest that everyone plans their whole week around. So possibly a similar segment with players beaking off as outlined above could bring in some much needed TV revenue. For the hockey purists out there who feel this isn’t in keeping with the traditions of the game, are you really enjoying the new tradition of 23 power plays per game?

    Maybe it’s time to step into the 21st century.

  7. CedrickRozon says:

    the day this happens is the day I stop watching hockey, because that will be the day hockey has finally hit the bottom of the barrel

    as for all the time you wasted cooking this up, I can only say: get a life man….

  8. dcz28 says:

    Yeah Tucker could be in there but he doesn’t seem to say as many stupid things as the others…he keeps all his stupid behavior for when he is on the ice.

    Don’t feel bad about Pronger since i read a rumour today in the Ottawa Sun that said the Sens offered Phillips, Havlat and Brian Lee for Pronger but Pronger did not want to play anymore for any canadian teams not just Edmonton (not that the Oilers would have made that trade). If that is true i think he should be left off any team Canada in the future besides he sucked large at the Olympics. I know he was playing injured but he should have done like Yzerman and pulled out if he wasn’t 100%.

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