Shhh! The Government Is Listening

That’s right – I’m baaaaaacccckkkk…….just like your “rash” down there, I keep returning.

First off, having just watched the Canucks / Wild game, I have to ask – I’ve misplaced my translation dictionary – does “Cloutier” mean “sieve” in French?

Now, to the heart of the matter – I keep seeing miniature Oliver Stone “conspiracy theorists” in abundance on this site. The gist of their nattering seems to be that the refs are somehow being “paid off”, or that the playoffs are somehow being influenced by that mysterious but ubiquitous “THEM”, so that there will not be either a “small market” and / or a Canadian team in the playoffs.

There is only one appropriate response to this, as voiced by my late great-grandfather:


Assuming that “they” want American teams, they would, for ratings and revenue purposes, want a “big market” team.

Let’s see – nope, they’re all gone. And, one would think, “they” would want a fast-paced, exciting Cup final to bring in those “marginal” fans.

Of the five teams currently left, three clog up the neutral zone worse than Oprah’s arteries after a late-night Popeye’s run. Not exactly 80’s Oilers vs. Islanders…

Now, allegedly, Disney is paying megabucks to put the Ducks over. So, who is paying for the Wild? The Dairy Farmer’s Association? How about New Jersey? The LOOLOO (Loyal Order Of Landfill Owner-Operators)? And the Canucks? The Special Olympics Foundation? Who the %$#@ is paying for Ottawa? They’re BROKE!

A side note on Ottawa – while I’m amused at the almost-roller-hockey-quality sweaters, I’m still pondering the Roman connection. “Friends, Romans, countrymen – lend me – everything you have!” Perhaps they spent their uniform budget on Lalime’s mask…

There’s no shame in being bankrupt – plenty of people I know are morally bankrupt…

Trust me on this one – if “THEY” were fixing this thing, Mikster’s precious freakin’ Rangers would be in the finals – probably against Philadelphia ( which is to New York what Vanilla Ice is to Eminem – they’re both annoying, but on vastly different levels).

In the West, Detroit and Chicago – nothing says “I love you” like burning down your city and going on a crack binge after a Cup win.

So here’s your chance – stop listening to Art Bell while simultaneously watching “The Pet Psychic” and convince me that “THEY” are “fixing” the playoffs. Creativity without vulgarity is rewarded. Cwhockey won the “government cheese” last time. Up for grabs this time – nude phots of Ernest Borgnine and Bea Arthur, with the cutest little chihuahua this side of the “Yo Quiero” dog!

You know, if there is a conspiracy, and you’re aware of it, I wouldn’t go advertising it on here. “THEY” are probably monitoring every keystroke you make.

In fact, one of “US” may be one of “THEM”. I may not be a 16 year-old Ethiopian girl, as I have previously alluded to. I may be a government agent. You know how I love my acronyms….



33 Responses to Shhh! The Government Is Listening

  1. burky says:

    Is it okay to blame Cloutier NOW?

    Brutal, just brutal.

    This is going to be the worst Final 4 in history.

    Just give the cup to Ottawa now, for euthanasian purposes.

  2. DG says:

    Thanks defenstrate…needed that one after the Vancouver Canucks lost (oh, and you bet they’ll hear it from me…)


  3. Lint07 says:

    How can you blow a 3-1 lead in the series and a 2-0 late 2nd period lead in the 7th game?????

    I like the Canucks, but talk about chokers!

    Hats off to the WILD. Unbelievable.

    The 2 teams that deserve the most to be in the conf. finals are there, period.

  4. bender says:

    Dude, how did you know about the rash???

    Pm me if you know how to get rid of it!!!!!, being a 16 year old ethiopian girl I’m sure you’ve given up the BOOM BOOM a few times in order to buy packets of rice and gotten the heeby jeeby’s from a few GI’s.

    Damn CTP hooker blind date parties!!!!!!!!

  5. gladiator says:

    Who expected the Canucks to win the cup anyways, with teams like the Avs, Blues, Stars and Wings in the Western Conference.

    Oh wait a second…..hmmmmm

  6. JeffBurnz09 says:

    I’m SO happy Vancouver lost. I get so sick of hearing about them. Its like, when you know that a team isnt really that good, and you know they’re not going to win, but you have to listen to a whole lot of annoying canadian fans praising them all year long like they’re the next 80’s Oilers or something. Cloutier is very over rated, and you can almost tell when the pressure is on. He was alright tonight when it was 2-1, but you could tell that right after it was 2-2 he was scared to lose. He’s just not a #1 goalie right now. Bertuzzi is a moron. I think he’s a major asshole to be honest. He shot off his mouth after game 5 about how it was nothing and almost laughed at the idea of the Wild comming back to win. Then tonight he gets his goal and acts like he just won the cup. Then he ends up ending any Canuck comeback with one of his dumb penalties. He just turns into such a dick head when their losing. He almost always takes a stupid penatly late in the game because he’s a big baby that can’t handle losing. Which is odd,since he’s such a loser. Anyway, see ya Vancouver! See ya next year, when from game 1 I’ll have to hear about how your a much differant team than this years, and your a favorite to win the cup!

    I think the refs deffinately had a part in the Ducks being in the 3rd round. Now just hear me out…We all know Disney..Disney is huge, have insane amounts of money, and have to be one of the most well known companies in the world. I can’t even find the words to describe how huge they are and how well known they are to everyone. Any piece of crap movie that they put out with a Disney name attached to it is automatically grabbed up by every kid and parent in the world….

    The NHL…Hockey…Huge in Canada…4th most popular sport in America…Bettman is desperate to make hockey more popular outside of Canada, and justify why he expands to places like Anaheim, Tampa Bay, Florida, etc, who’s fans arn’t terribly interested in hockey, and who’s teams mean almost nothing in the grand scheme of the NHL.. They’re losers, easy games, mean nothing in the long run..They don’t compete, no one understands why they get teams, and Bettman continures to support his decision to put teams there.

    So anyways…Anahem is terrible, going nowhere, and Disney loses interest. They stop using their huge influance to sell the team or the sport ,and look to sell off the team. Now if your running the NHL, do you want a huge backer with the influance of Disney with you or against you? Now, I’m not saying the the league and refs were paid off to get The Ducks to the playoffs and to where they are now. But I deffinately think the refs knew that the league would like The Ducks to win. Once they saw the Ducks in a position to go somewhere in the playoffs, they just sorta gave them some breaks.

    I’m not sure about the Detroit series, because I hate Detroit and didn’t care if the won or lost..But I know in the Dallas series Anaheim got alot, and I mean ALOT of lucky breaks and penalties at just the right times. Game 2..Ahahiem gets 3 calls on Dallas made in a 5 minute span, giving the Ducks two straight 5 on 3’s. The call that was made that eventually led to their first goal was a total bullshit call on Hatcher, where he was put in the box for hit in front of the net.

    Game 4….Calls are 5-3 for Dallas with about 6 minutes to go. So what do you do in a 0-0 game? Thats right, even up the calls! Arnott gets called twice…The first call made on him was total bullshit. He’s in a headlock behind the net, and being held down. The Duck guy lets go, gets up and Arnott swats at his leg which dropped the Duck player like a bad habit. Tripping! 2 Minutes….The 2nd Call on him was questionable…On a replay, you can clearly see the Duck player take two steps and push forward before going into the boards. But, seeing as how the ref doesnt have the benefit of slow motion, we’ll say he could have called it…but its not something you call in a 0-0 game with 2 minutes left, after you just gave the Ducks a power play…Game 5 In Dallas was insane…They almost refused to call anything on The Ducks. It was all on Dallas. Out of the 6 calls on Dallas, I’d say 1 was a penatly, and 1 could have been either way, but 4 were total bullshit. But if your going to call bullshit calls, why do it only on Dallas? The Ducks had 2 calls made on them, and one of them was made after the 4th straight Dallas penalty. And it only put them at 4 on 4 so they didn’t even have to kill off the penalty. Game 6 was officiated fine..The Barnes goal was a goal..If the net was knocked off,fine, but look who knocked it off? A duck player…Why should you be able to knock your net off to prevent a goal?

    Over all, I don’t think it was a conspiracy..The refs arn’t payed..but I think that in hockey, more than any other sport, refs are encouraged to have one team win….In football, a penalty is a penalty, on any team at anytime..hockeys not like that…you can call 10 penalties on Dallas and 1 on Anaheim if you want, its always just a judgement call and they never have to answer for their actions….But I dont think they’re paid to help the Ducks, probably just encouraged, knowing that the NHL would like a team like Anaheim to win.

  7. cgolding says:

    Be not speaking ill of philadelphia.


  8. DaMick says:

    Nah…Cloutier lost it for the Nuks…


    yes Tuzzi making that ridculous statement was icing on the cake..

    what happened to Tuzzi?

    in regards to a Wild-Devil final…

    hopefully Anahiem pulls off the next series & Having them & The Devs wouldnt be so bad…

    It should be a interesting offseason in NukLand.


  9. burky says:


    Lemme guess, Wings fan? Blues fan? Stars fan?

    You hate Bert, no surprise. Though you’d kill to have him on your team.

    Celebrate like he just won the cup? you’re joking, right?

    And he shot his mouth off after game 3, and he was just joking.

  10. WLFHCommishJava says:

    whose paying off the refs for the wild?

    xcell energy.

    …the devils?

    satan him self

    …the sens?

    no clue here, being that there broke.

  11. gladiator says:

    Talk about your ridiculous comments!! Thanks for the laugh.

  12. cwhockey says:

    I hate to keep beating this same drum, but what the hell. We all know hockey is huge in Canada, that’s pretty obvious. If the Canadian economy could help support a team, you can bet your ass that another team would have already been put up there. Unfortunately, it hasn’t. But the country is saturated with fans; if you live in Canada you are either a fan or you’re not actually Canadian. Aside from a population explosion up there, there can’t be any fan growth.

    Right or wrong, the NHL turned to places where it could possibly get hundreds of thousands of new fans. Non-traditional markets, if you like. Having a relatively new sport compete with other sports that have been a part of the culture for decades is a daunting task, and will take more than a few years. Some places will work out, some won’t. No matter the outcome, a ton of new fans will be made. If you want to be realistic, the NHL can’t compete with the other three sports in the US. I could give more than a few marketing facts to bear that out, but this comment is long enough. If you want, I could do that later. My point is by not branching out to areas other than “traditional” markets, the NHL would sink fast. At least now they can halt that slide.

    And if you truly believe your comment about “losers”, I’ve really wasted my time by writing all this.

  13. jon95616 says:

    Dude dont bring up the ref bullshit!

    The Ducks deserve to be in the third round.

  14. Kashin says:

    The only way for the wild to reach the cup is if Gigure is going to choke. THat isnt happening. The only advantage the wild have against the ducks is that they have two goalies both of whom are freaks (if you saw roloson before the game last night) and if one chokes one is there as a back up.

  15. matteo says:

    I heard from my cousins friends uncles brothers neices kindergarten teacher’s brothers friend that the government sent in spies to re-curve all of the detroit players sticks before the series, so that they couldnt score on Giguere.

    And they put Icy-hot in the Ducks jock straps — that is why they had that extra step.

  16. matteo says:

    I heard that Bea Aurthur had a shaved Chihuahua.

  17. Cyrax89 says:

    Everyone seems to think that Ottawa is going to win the cup real easy now, but do most people forget that the Devils are still in it. They now have the most playoff experience in the playoffs. I think that NJ is going to make it to the finals with the Ducks and then we will see alot of low scoring hockey.

  18. jofa says:

    What’s wrong with the Senator’s jerseys? Plus they got an owner now with the big bucks and a private jet…

    The worst jersey award has to go to the Ducks (painful colours – purple, aqua and white? – and a angry cartoon duck)

  19. Enchilada says:

    Are the nude Photograghs separate shots or is it one photo with them all posed in sexy positions?

  20. Wings4life says:

    haha… I believe that you said, oh about a week ago that the western conference finals would be a cakewalk for the canucks this year… I think we all know what kind of prediction that was… lol

  21. burky says:

    True, but now it’s a cakewalk for the Sens.

  22. defenestrate says:

    Let’s just say you can only see part of the chihuahua…….

  23. defenestrate says:

    No, because “THEY” don’t want them to win. They are only there to hold Canadian interest in the playoffs.

  24. defenestrate says:

    In your case, I would suggest pouring Everclear on the rash and taking a propane torch to it.

    That’s what you get for lifting sheep tails….that’s BAAAAADDDD.

  25. defenestrate says:

    Not Icy-Hot – Gold Bond. Thousands of little elves massaging your yo-ho.

    They also spiked the Gatorade with benzedrine..

  26. defenestrate says:

    Nope – it’s a landing strip.

  27. OldNord says:

    But “THEY” can burn in hell.

  28. bender says:


  29. Freeze says:

    “In the West, Detroit and Chicago – nothing says “I love you” like burning down your city and going on a crack binge after a Cup win.” Detroit had parades of about 1.5 million on 3 occassions without incident. The violence and widespread drug usage that you allude to never happened after the Wings won the Cup. You must be thinking of Michigan State in East Lansing.

    I don’t think the refs are clever enough to carry through with a conspiracy. The NHL has 2 sets of rules, one for the regular season, and one for the playoffs. Folks need to deal with it.

    Unexpected things have happened in the West because of the extreme depth in the West, along with the fact that a few folks have sold their souls.

    Brett Hull called the style of hockey that Anaheim plays, “gross.” That may be so, but it’s perfectly legal and it wins games. The 95 Devils played the same boring trap, coached by wild man Jacques Lemaire. This is nothing new.

    Along that line, the NHL will have to deal with an exodus of super stars in the next couple of years, a player lockout, and more grind it out hockey played in a league plagued with parity. How do you market all that?

    I sense the onset of BOREDOM, NHL style.

  30. aaron says:

    Its not like the Wings were ever that exciting to watch anyway. Yeah, its more offensive and puck control, but its just pass pass pass pass pass, hey let’s take a shot now. Missed it? Ok, pass pass pass pass pass pass…hmm, let’s go regroup just for good measure…hey CuJo, you wanna handle it? ok, pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass pass shot, missed it! pass pass pass pass pass pass, hey we score! Cool!

    I mean seriously, didn’t you ever get just a little bit bored watching that? :p Especially against the Ducks. That was the Wings try to pass and finesse their way through the trap. That was just brutal. The Wild are actually kinda entertaining, IMO. And at least they hit once in a while.

    Not dissing on the Wings, just pointing out they aren’t the most entertaining team in the league either. You do what works.

  31. defenestrate says:

    Weren’t you on “Webster?”

  32. defenestrate says:

    Hyperbole – I was indulging in hyperbole….you know, if it wasn’t for Kid Rock and Kiss, I could never forgive Detroit for Marshall Mathers (the bastard child of Jerry Mathers, “as the Beaver”).


  33. matteo says:

    I heard that her chihuahua was yawning in the picture

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