TexCan's Weekly Rink Roundup – NEW!!!
Here’s my 3 most overrated things:
1. Angelina Jolie’s appeal? Am I the only one that thinks she’s a NASCAR collectible plate away from being the “creepy” girl working at the Dairy Queen.
2. Cheese Stuffed Pizza. Is this what we have become? Have our scientists given up on the flying car and the third breast? Are we now just working ways to stuff more cheese into our gullets? My last pizza came with an angioplasty and a defibrillator.
3. Hockey Expert Opinions.
When I was in college I would always echo/support the opinion of the hottest girl in every one of my lectures. It never got me anywhere (I blame the Batman utility belt and my size 38 corduroys) but I at least felt like I was part of the hot girl/nerd team that I cooked up in my head (You know how this story ends… You can see me in my entirety on COPS episodes 123-129).
That story is kind of how I feel about the new NHL season and all the leg humpers with an etch a sketch and a Strunk and White’s out there who felt it was necessary to let us know their “expert” opinions about what will take place this year based on the fact that Pat Quinn used the same creamer at the local Starbucks. Here are my 2 most hated expert outlooks so far this year that have gone over like Oprah in a tube top.
1. Calgary will dominate this year. D-O-M-I-N-A-T-E. – Reading a lot of the articles this year (SI, Hockey News, etc…) I felt like there was no point to even playing a season because Calgary had already won the cup. Fans were already encouraged to light their cars on fire and turn them over in anticipation of the big Stanley Cup riot. So far, it looks like Calgary is in need of a little something we in the business like to call….goals!!! Holy Nelly Furtado!!! Lack of goals, average goaltending and a slothful start for Jarome Iginla have Calgary in last place in the Northwest Division and in the bottom 5 in goals for the entire league. I can barely see my feet and I think I can score more then 29 goals. Nothing makes me happier then to see Calgary looking up from the basement.
2. Sergei Gonchar – According to SI, ESPN.com, TSN and Sportsnet, Sergei Gonchar will not only rewrite the defensive scoring record books but in his spare time he’ll be the new Pope and solve that whole Ginger vs Mary Anne debate. So far, Sergei has been starring in a little show titled CSI:Gonchar. It’s about a team of highly skilled forensic experts that try to determine why Sergei only has a paltry 6 points and is on par for a stellar Harold Sneptsian 45 points. To complete the suck trifecta, Sergei is also a –4. People who drafted Gonchar in their pools are contemplating a class action lawsuit or a mass ritual suicide. Either way, it may get rid of a lot of Leaf fans (kidding…. I kid… I’m a kidder)
Goals – Ok, I get it. Goals are up. Attendance is up. The NHL is actually looking like an entertaining professional sports league rather then the “Public Television on ice.” it had become. But, are the goals real, honest to goodness 5 on 5 goals or does it seem like they’re manufactured because of all the power plays?. I think what I’d like for people to play up would be the idea that even without the bakers dozen of goals per game, the product is 10x more entertaining because of all the open ice.
Let’s get Physical – Well, now that the game is better, it looks like those of us whose homemade antidepressants and magical tin foil hats have worn off are now upset about the lack of physicality in the game. Seriously? Does anyone miss those stupid clutch and grabbing sessions along the boards that look like an 8th grader at a slow dance during “Stairway to Heaven.” What about the crap in front of the nets or those ridiculous scrums that remind me of an all boy’s school version of “Westside Story.” So far, I have to say that what’s coming back into style are good old fashioned open ice hits where a guy lowers his shoulder and just clocks some puck watcher in the open ice. Let’s not forget, open ice hitting is an art form that disappeared just like goal scoring during the dark days.
Men’s Magazines – Ok, what’s the deal with these? The first Maxim was kind of funny but come on! It’s 14 year old boys and inmates that only get off to girls in bathing suits. These are for guys that don’t have the cajones to buy porn. Guys, either move out of your parent’s basement or find a real girl.
Road House II – Really? Were there too many questions remaining from the first one?
TexCan, League Commissioner – As my first duty. Effective immediately, Miroslav Satan is to be traded to the Devils. Come on, Satan on the Devils… That’s marketing genius!!!!! I’m here all week, try the veal!!!
This week, Little Gord Melichantz of Ottawa, Ontario wants to know:
I read your article a couple weeks ago; funny. Who are your early picks for the Rocket Richard and Norris trophies? What’s your favorite sports movie?
First off… Your compliment was well taken, Now I feel bad for using your name as a synonym for boobs. Just kidding.
Hmmm, who’s going to score the most goals? That’s a pickle alright. My vote would be for Dany Heatley from your hometown “Sens.”. He gets a lot of power play time, he’s playing on arguably, the best line in the NHL right now and to boot he looks like he’s really put his past behind him. Honestly, I think the Richard trophy is the one award that’s going to be the most interesting this year and may come down to the last day of the season. Hey, what if there’s a tie? Do they share it? That sucks!
The Norris trophy is always the hardest one to pick. Do you pick an offensive defenseman? A defensive stalwart? It seems like you’d want someone who’s a little column “A” and a little column “B.” It’s hard to argue against MCCabe from the Leafs but they guy who’s totally off the radar but having a pretty kick ass season so far is Salo from the Canucks. Both guys are good choices but I think if the award were given today it would be McCabe’s.
Sports movies??? Hmmmm, Here’s my top 3.
1. The Natural
3. Raging Bull
Thanks Gord, An official California Golden Seals vs. Cleveland Barons play by play transcript is winging it’s way to your house right now.
Comments, Questions and synonyms for boobs can be emailed to me at firstname.lastname@example.org