TexCan's Weekly Rink Roundup – NEW!!!

Here’s my 3 most overrated things:

1. Angelina Jolie’s appeal? Am I the only one that thinks she’s a NASCAR collectible plate away from being the “creepy” girl working at the Dairy Queen.

2. Cheese Stuffed Pizza. Is this what we have become? Have our scientists given up on the flying car and the third breast? Are we now just working ways to stuff more cheese into our gullets? My last pizza came with an angioplasty and a defibrillator.

3. Hockey Expert Opinions.

When I was in college I would always echo/support the opinion of the hottest girl in every one of my lectures. It never got me anywhere (I blame the Batman utility belt and my size 38 corduroys) but I at least felt like I was part of the hot girl/nerd team that I cooked up in my head (You know how this story ends… You can see me in my entirety on COPS episodes 123-129).

That story is kind of how I feel about the new NHL season and all the leg humpers with an etch a sketch and a Strunk and White’s out there who felt it was necessary to let us know their “expert” opinions about what will take place this year based on the fact that Pat Quinn used the same creamer at the local Starbucks. Here are my 2 most hated expert outlooks so far this year that have gone over like Oprah in a tube top.

1. Calgary will dominate this year. D-O-M-I-N-A-T-E. – Reading a lot of the articles this year (SI, Hockey News, etc…) I felt like there was no point to even playing a season because Calgary had already won the cup. Fans were already encouraged to light their cars on fire and turn them over in anticipation of the big Stanley Cup riot. So far, it looks like Calgary is in need of a little something we in the business like to call….goals!!! Holy Nelly Furtado!!! Lack of goals, average goaltending and a slothful start for Jarome Iginla have Calgary in last place in the Northwest Division and in the bottom 5 in goals for the entire league. I can barely see my feet and I think I can score more then 29 goals. Nothing makes me happier then to see Calgary looking up from the basement.

2. Sergei Gonchar – According to SI, ESPN.com, TSN and Sportsnet, Sergei Gonchar will not only rewrite the defensive scoring record books but in his spare time he’ll be the new Pope and solve that whole Ginger vs Mary Anne debate. So far, Sergei has been starring in a little show titled CSI:Gonchar. It’s about a team of highly skilled forensic experts that try to determine why Sergei only has a paltry 6 points and is on par for a stellar Harold Sneptsian 45 points. To complete the suck trifecta, Sergei is also a –4. People who drafted Gonchar in their pools are contemplating a class action lawsuit or a mass ritual suicide. Either way, it may get rid of a lot of Leaf fans (kidding…. I kid… I’m a kidder)

Slap Shots

Goals – Ok, I get it. Goals are up. Attendance is up. The NHL is actually looking like an entertaining professional sports league rather then the “Public Television on ice.” it had become. But, are the goals real, honest to goodness 5 on 5 goals or does it seem like they’re manufactured because of all the power plays?. I think what I’d like for people to play up would be the idea that even without the bakers dozen of goals per game, the product is 10x more entertaining because of all the open ice.

Let’s get Physical – Well, now that the game is better, it looks like those of us whose homemade antidepressants and magical tin foil hats have worn off are now upset about the lack of physicality in the game. Seriously? Does anyone miss those stupid clutch and grabbing sessions along the boards that look like an 8th grader at a slow dance during “Stairway to Heaven.” What about the crap in front of the nets or those ridiculous scrums that remind me of an all boy’s school version of “Westside Story.” So far, I have to say that what’s coming back into style are good old fashioned open ice hits where a guy lowers his shoulder and just clocks some puck watcher in the open ice. Let’s not forget, open ice hitting is an art form that disappeared just like goal scoring during the dark days.

Men’s Magazines – Ok, what’s the deal with these? The first Maxim was kind of funny but come on! It’s 14 year old boys and inmates that only get off to girls in bathing suits. These are for guys that don’t have the cajones to buy porn. Guys, either move out of your parent’s basement or find a real girl.

Road House II – Really? Were there too many questions remaining from the first one?

TexCan, League Commissioner – As my first duty. Effective immediately, Miroslav Satan is to be traded to the Devils. Come on, Satan on the Devils… That’s marketing genius!!!!! I’m here all week, try the veal!!!


This week, Little Gord Melichantz of Ottawa, Ontario wants to know:

I read your article a couple weeks ago; funny. Who are your early picks for the Rocket Richard and Norris trophies? What’s your favorite sports movie?

Well Gord,

First off… Your compliment was well taken, Now I feel bad for using your name as a synonym for boobs. Just kidding.

Hmmm, who’s going to score the most goals? That’s a pickle alright. My vote would be for Dany Heatley from your hometown “Sens.”. He gets a lot of power play time, he’s playing on arguably, the best line in the NHL right now and to boot he looks like he’s really put his past behind him. Honestly, I think the Richard trophy is the one award that’s going to be the most interesting this year and may come down to the last day of the season. Hey, what if there’s a tie? Do they share it? That sucks!

The Norris trophy is always the hardest one to pick. Do you pick an offensive defenseman? A defensive stalwart? It seems like you’d want someone who’s a little column “A” and a little column “B.” It’s hard to argue against MCCabe from the Leafs but they guy who’s totally off the radar but having a pretty kick ass season so far is Salo from the Canucks. Both guys are good choices but I think if the award were given today it would be McCabe’s.

Sports movies??? Hmmmm, Here’s my top 3.

1. The Natural

2. Caddyshack

3. Raging Bull

Thanks Gord, An official California Golden Seals vs. Cleveland Barons play by play transcript is winging it’s way to your house right now.

Comments, Questions and synonyms for boobs can be emailed to me at carlrover11@hotmail.com

39 Responses to TexCan's Weekly Rink Roundup – NEW!!!

  1. hockeyhead says:

    thank you for writing this for me…..”experts” indeed. i read the same media and calgary was the top dogs.

    they made it cuz of clutching and grabbing.

    BTW….fun bags, guns, bombs….pronounce them backwards so you can say them in front of girls….snug, sbmob….priceless.

  2. SensfanVone says:

    tigolbitties you should be able to translate that.!!!!

  3. hockeyhead says:

    yes, like the ad that comes up sometimes…the girl from Mate 1. she’s got em.

  4. newfcollins says:

    He always gets off to a slow start. My brother is a Flames fan, and every year until Christmas, there is talk about how much Iggy sucks. Then in the new year he turns it on and keeps getting better. I think Iginla just needs a three-month training camp, that’s all.

  5. muckies says:

    so the one Toronto fan says to the other Toronto fan, “Do you want to Leave”

  6. Marky2Fresh says:

    Speaking of leaving, how many times have the Leafs shown the Sens the door during the play offs now?

  7. wheresthesoda says:

    “But, are the goals real, honest to goodness 5 on 5 goals or does it seem like they’re manufactured because of all the power plays?”

    actually…last night before the Rangers -Devils game..

    John Davidson(now an american citiczen) said that the goals scored 5 on 5 average, is around the same during previous years, but that is good because if you compare it to the time of the power plays throughout a game.

    there is now less 5 on 5 time, but the same amount of goals. so in a way the 5 on 5 scoring has gone up

  8. muckies says:

    I think it has been 4 or 5 times, one sweep and a couple of 7 gamers.

    You should be very proud of your team, once in the past 10 years they made it to the conference finals and got absolutely ablitarated by the Devils.

    I’m glad you look back on the history of the Leaves with pride.

    When they used to be able to spend as much money as they wished and could afford to get anybody, they never went out and got a legit #1 defencemen when every hockey fan in the world knew thats what they needed to get them over the top, and when they finally go out and get leetch, they trade away there only real good prospects, a couple of 31 draft choices, and he plays 20 games, gets them to the second round, losses and then leaves the team.

    great management.

  9. salemnic says:

    Hey – you’re right! All that losing that Ottawa did to get those high draft picks is working great for them now. A team that keeps winning year after year doesn’t quite get the same shots.

    That was the old NHL. This is the new NHL. The Leafs (actually the proper spelling, given that Maple Leaf is a proper noun. Think of it as a last name.) will take a bit of time to come around, but all that money hasn’t gone away. More cash to scouting staffs and coaches at all levels.

    Don’t you worry bucko, we’ll be just fine.

  10. thatleafsguy says:

    Don’t like to get into these stupid discussions with you, but just had to correct your post. In the last 10 years the leafs have actually been to 2 conference finals and neither of them were with the devils. 2002 vs. the Hurricanes and 1999 vs the Buffallo Sabres. We have only had 1 seven game series against the Sens, which the Leafs won. 1 sweep and 2 6 gamers all won by the so called Maple Leaves……Leafs.

    The Leetch trade actually did not involve any prospects that were number 1 picks, Immonen and Kondratiev were selected late in their respected drafts, the deal only involved 1 first round pick, which ended up being late first rounder. The Leetch deal was similar to a Sens deal for Petr Bondra who ended up not staying in Ottawa as far as I can remember. What about that stud defenseman Greg DeVries, a throw in on the Heatley deal……

    So we only got to the second round, we still beat the team that was the favourite for the stanley cup, the sens. Seems like the Sens are favoured to win the cup every year and find a way to choke.

  11. Tweek says:

    If Eric Francis had his way the Flames would have already won the cup and in winning the cup would parade around to each city in Canada showing off the “bling” and so we could see his big beautiful smart ass smile but now……But in all seriousness the flames will get better, Iginla always gets off to slow starts and I bet that come december the flames become one of the hottest teams in the league, they arent as good as everybody made them appear it seems but they arent as bad as the goals for and record indicates. Speaking of Gonchar, where the hell did all the pens fans go on this site, not only 3 months ago this place with littered with them and now the majority have vanished…..I wonder why??

  12. muckies says:

    We got Bondra for a secong rounder, so he was a throw away guy, and we didn’t give away any top prospects for him. the point is the Leaves always needed a real defencem,an and never went out and got one.

    Greg de vries is a loser and I was happy to get rid of his 3 million dollar salary, and if we had to throw in a defencemen that can skate about as well as scotty bowman, thats fine, I like Heatley – he is doing alright in ottawa, and i’m sure you would give your left nut to have him on Sundin wing.

  13. muckies says:

    yeah those Leaves are so good at drafting, i remeber all their first round draft choices and the massive sucess they have had at the draft table, that Coliacavo looks amazing on the AHL bus, and all those prospects you have coming through the system…lots to be proud of.

    the sens traded Yashin for Spezza and Chara

    Alfie was a 200 overall choice,

    Hossa for Heatley, not a bad trade

    traded Berard for Redden, then the Leaves got berard for potvin which is one of the only good trades they have made in the last 10 years, but it was with milbury so its like the yashin trade.

    shit Leave trades

    they got Nolan for macualey, boyes and 1 first and 1 second, that worked out well, did Nolan scor more then 20 goals as a Leave?

    the Leetch trade, crappy,

    the Laeves don;t draft or trade well,

    and they have nothing to be proud of in the playoffs, what have they done that they can be proud of besides beating the Sens, and if that makes you proud and is all you have to cheer about, i understand, you need something positive if your team hasn’t won in 40 years

  14. robinson19 says:

    “experts”; sports illustrated had the Habs way down there and not in the playoffs.

    “boobs”; MILK DUDS (coined by Colin Mochry).

    “sports movies”; Hurricane.

  15. wingsfan13 says:

    I think this is one of the most pointless and dumbest articles i’ve read yet

  16. habswinthecup-again says:

    You obviously have way way way too much time on your hands. Why don’t you get a job instead of collecting EI or Welfare and staying up too late thinking up witty things to say?



    Friday Night Lights

  17. mundus80 says:


  18. thatleafsguy says:

    I don’t know how long u have viewed hockey for, but i don’t recall a time in petr bondra’s career where he was a player that you just “throw away”. So now De Vries has exited your team and now hes a loser, as I recall sens fans were praising the acquisition of De Vries, when muckler first made the deal with the rangers. As to dany heatley, I don’t think there is a team in the league that would not want hm on their wing, that being said i cherish my testicle but i will not give it up for any player.

    I like Heatley alot as a player and a person from what i can tell of him through the media, its rather unfortunate he plays on the team that i despise the most, next to the philthy flyers. by the way the sens better lock up spezza long term when this season is over, hes a toronto boy, guess where his next stop in the nhl will be when he becomes a UFA? mark my words. ask him off the record he’ll tell you the answer.

  19. thatleafsguy says:

    Major League

    Mighty Ducks: Trilogy

    Caddy Shack

    Happy Gilmore

    Bull Durham



    Tin Cup

    Hoop Dreams

    Blue Chips

  20. muckies says:

    last time i checked Leetch wasn’t a throw away player either, and for praise for dr vries, everybody in Ottawa was thinking the same thing – “We got a 6th defenceman from the rangers who really isn’t that good” nobody cared, people were more hyped about the possibilty of Olaf Kolzig coming to town to play in the place of Lalime, who Muckler didn’t like but Martin Loved.

    Spezza has said since he came to ottawa that he likes it here and isn’t leaving, we’ve got him under arbitration for 3 more years. Do you really think the Leaves will structutre their salary cap structure around him and free up the max to get him? rember buddy, the Leaves just can’t go out and sign anybody they want to now, it’s the new NHL and in 3 years, sundin, belfour will be gone – the Leaves will be no better then a .500 team, and spezza will have to decide if he wants to keep with the team that has won a Cup or 2, or 3 and play with heatley or go to Toronto and play on a line with Ponikorosky and Domy.

  21. thatleafsguy says:

    you’re funny, ottawa hasn’t even won 1 cup yet let alone your planning for 3. second sundin may or may not be around, but guaranteed ottawa will not have the max money for spez with heatley, spez redden, chara, alfreddsson, phillips, mesaros, volchenkov, fisher and havlat all in line for pay days. The leafs will make plenty of room under the cap for any player they feel will be a cornerstone to their franchise. as i said before ask spez off the record get the REAL answer. Sundin will end his career a leaf, so he’ll be here 3 years down the line, no worries there at all. we will have a decent to strong young team by then just look at steen, wellwood, stajan, kronwall, colaiacovo.

    Ps i never said leetch was a throw away player so i don’t understand your point there you called bondra a throw away player, which he is not.

  22. morrissey says:

    “you’re funny, ottawa hasn’t even won 1 cup yet”

    you’re a joke, Ottawa has won 9 stanley cups

  23. morrissey says:

    Sports movies???

    1. Bend it like Beckham… Keira Knightley ’nuff said

  24. wingsfan13 says:

    i couldnt have put it better myself

  25. thatleafsguy says:

    ??????????????? in this new era of the sens you monkey.

  26. Marky2Fresh says:

    Leetch > Smolinski

    Happened at the same deadline.

  27. NjDEVSFN says:

    if Satan was ever traded to the Devils, the Devils would have no idea how to market him.

    the NHL should force the Devils to market their team and players. ive seen a few billboards and commercials DURING DEVILS GAMES about the team, but nothing else.

  28. JannettyTheRocker says:

    The Senators have won more cups than the Leafs? That’s a riot considering how long the Leafs have been in existence. Even though the cups for the Sens came in the early 1900’s, it’s funny that they actually have more cups than the Leafs……………….Either way, the Oiler’s last cup was in 1989-90!!!! When was the last cup for either Ontario team? Exactly!!!!!!!

    OILERS RULE!!!!!!!

    Hell, even the Flames had a cup in 1988-89!!!

  29. Rico71 says:

    I tend to agree.

    *misses Defenestrates rants immensely*

  30. Rico71 says:

    *nods and sighs* She’s heavenly.

  31. Rico71 says:

    Please…bring back Defenestrate’s rants!

  32. morrissey says:

    hmmm so we limit history to only recent history then? I guess that makes both teams equal at 0 cups then, because Toronto hasn’t won for decades either.

  33. thatleafsguy says:

    wow are you a f**ckin idiot or what? why do most people on this site have to act like assholes, are people lives so pathetic that they need to prove something on message boards. i wasn’t even alive for either the sens or the leafs cups. I’m glad you remember all the sens stanley cup runs, you must be like what 80 years old if that is true. fact is ottawa was an expansion team in the mid ninties, since they came back to the nhl this version of the sens has not won a cup, therefore they haven’t won any cups, hence why i stated they haven’t won one cup let a alone your planning for 3 the fact that they won nine cups in the 1930’s really doesn’t have any relevance to my life since i was not alive, same with the leafs cups up until 1967. regardless of all this bullshit, you completely miised the whole point of my posts, in regards to spezza.

  34. thatleafsguy says:

    the leafs have won more cups in their history than the sens have, don’t be ridiculous.

  35. habsoverserver says:

    Barons and Seals were the same team.

  36. SensfanVone says:

    leafsguy id say your the f#####g idiot.

    As you have proven in almost every post you make.

  37. NemiNA says:

    Good read. It was funny man!

    I don’t like the experts opinions either. Their not mine, therefore, they aren’t correct!

    All i have to say is THANK GOD Steve Levy isn’t doing play by play anymore.

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