TexCan's Weekly Slap Shots Vol. 1 Issue 2
There are 3 undeniable truths that I live by:
1. Never let the hot girl in front of you in the exit lane. She will rarely pull over and make out with you.
2. Order the soup or the salad, never both. That’s how they get’cha!
3. The more things change the more you’re going to hear a Jennifer Capriatiesque meltdown inducing complaint from some windsucker hanging out in his parent’ basement…. (ok, it’s me)
Ok, Let the frivolity begin….
NHL Commercials: Well, it looks like the NHL has succeeded in luring their target demographic…. Gay Men and Political Science Majors! What’s next? Liza Minnelli with a JOFA!
How is this supposed to increase people’s interests in Hockey?. They look like the soft core porn I TiVo from Cinemax. (How lazy am I that I have to TiVo my porn? I’m spoiled! I remember the ol’ days when we had to make out our porn from scrambled images on our parent’s TV’s. We didn’t have the fancy internet that the kids with their rock and roll lifestyles have today)
Seriously… If the NHL cared anything about luring viewers they’d try to be funny (Denis Leary, Adam Sandler, Bill Murray are huge fans!!! Come on… Carl the Gardener at a Hockey Game??? Classic!!!! ) or bring back Peter Puck and the Showdown series. I think the NHL forgot that an entire generation (Americans included) were brought up on those two traditions and it seemed to work. How about showcasing the athletes? Hmmm, if there were only some super duper highly touted draft pick or something that even appeared on the Tonight Show or an African American player who is one of the top 5 players in the whole league…. Anyone but the Fabioesque weenie they’ve got strapping on the skates right now in that stupid commercial!!!!
Hockey and the Media
The Hockey News – $52.00 bucks a year and I got an 18 page article on how to buy a stick. Really? Have sticks changed that much that they need some sort of periodic table on which ones have the best flex.. How about the one’s that help you score? Can I get one of those? I don’t get all the hub-bub over sticks. It’s like watching those dudes on the Hunting and Fishing channel (When you have a kid you’re up at all hours and it’s either that or watching some weird European guy on Local Cable peel a kiwi (that’s not a double entendre either.,.he was peeling a kiwi) choosing Fishing Rods. Do they still have the stick with the hook? Yeah, that’s it. Geez!!
Interviewers and the Interviewees
It’s 5 games in and I am ready to go Former Childhood Actor if I have to listen to one more talking clip on tie ask stupid softball questions to any player they can manage to jam their greasy, cheeto-covered microphone at. Here’s some questions and answers that should have been in the CBA as verboten:
1. Injuries – Ok, apparently the Iraqi Minister of Information writes up the injury reports for the NHL teams. Lower Body injury or Upper Body injury; Wow! That’s as revealing as an Amish stripper.
Since they’re using false information anyways why not go all out…. “Mats Sundin is fine, death to the infidels from Ottawa, He has already won the Cup of Stanley and is now sitting at the right hand of Allah!”
2. “We’re going to take it one game at a time..” – means… “We have absolutely no chance in hell, I have already made my plane reservation to Maui and begun calling the local escort agencies”
3. “We’re taking this one shift at a time.” – means… “Why the *&$)#&)_$* do they always ask Forsberg before me? I was going to say “one game at a time” stupid, stupid, stupid, I shouldn’t have stopped in the hallway to talk to that ice-girl! Damn it!”
4. “They control their own destiny.” – means…. “Maybe I really should have finished college, I think my wife is stealing from me and this hairpiece does not make me look like the Professor from “Gilligan’s Island.” As a matter of fact, if I really thought about it I would have realized that Destiny is already a predetermined concept that cannot be controlled. I probably shouldnt’ have drank al l that scotch under the desk.
5. “We need to get back to playing a team game” means …. What did he say? Does he think the Olson twins are hot too? Damn me and my short term, concussed memory. I’m just going to say some crap about one game at a time… wait, Forsberg just said that! Crap! Ok, uhhm,… I’ll just say something about teams.
6. “Me like Hockey” means…. I have to admit that I have an almost Hinckleyesque like obsession with Ray Ferraro, he’s easily the most boring man on the planet. He makes Bill Clement sound like Richard Simmons on a 3 day bender in Vegas
7. “He’s a player that I really respect.” means….. I can’t prove it but I think he slept with my girlfriend when we played on the same Junior team. He also owes me $14 for amy JET CD he didn’t’ return. I hate him!!!
Who’s watching Pittsburgh play? Man, that’s some exciting hockey, It’ s just too bad that the NHL is enforcing that whole Wins and Losses thing. So far, they’re my pick for team of the year!
Sean Avery – How long before this guy alienates everyone in the NHL. “Avery facing disciplinary action for making disparaging comments about Icelandic NHL’ers..” Is this guy just a rum and coke away from burning a cross on the ice?
Vancouver – Remember when everyone said that Vancouver was a high tempo team that loves to skate. Sure, it looked that way when they were playing against the Hobbits that were the teams of the 2003-04 season but in the new NHL they look average to me.
No Rest for Angels – Is anyone following baseball? Apparently there’s a little something called the ACLS going on. Could ESPN have made a bigger deal over the Angels not having enough time to rest between the Game 7 of the Yanks series and the first game of the Sox series. It’s Baseball! This is a sport where you eat between innings? I’ve seen narcoleptics throw stuff on the field to speed it up!!!
Refereeing – Of all the games I have seen so far I have got to hand it to the referees and the linesmen so far. I like the waving off of a lot of the icings and I especially get a little giddy when there’s only a handful of whistles in a period.
Marchment Signing – This has received about the same response around the NHL as Boston announcing their new Left Winger…Hitler!!!!!
Here’s my tips for the kids…. When adults tell you that something’s not cool; it’s cool. We’re lying!!! Drinking, Sex, Throwing darts at your brother, eating Spaghetti-O’s out of the can..it’s all cool!!
Letters of the Week.
Hey, cool! I got mail. (and not the kind that asks for money or has the words “restraining order” across it.; Stupid ABBA! )
Little Brian Liberman of Montreal, PQ wants to know….
“…. What do you think of le blanc, bleu, rouge this year?”
Thanks for your letter. I am a big fan of the German language so “Blah, blah, blah, blahey right back at you” I like the ‘Habs so far this year. I think they’re one of those teams that will easily benefit from more open ice because they can all flat out skate, skate, skate.
I wish they were a bit bigger on defense and a bit deeper on the Left Side but Kovalev and Ryder compensate by being top heavy on the Right wing. I don’t think they’ll match up well with a team that plays physical with them especially in a 7 game series but against a team that wants to match their speed I think Montreal will always be in the game. I know they signed Jonathan Aitken who needs a sherpan guide and a yak to put on his helmet but he’s only played a half season in the NHL to date.
It’s only a few games in but you should definitely be picking the spots in Montreal you’ll want to be looting after they win the Cup. Just kidding, I think the Canadiens are now among the new class of elite mediocre teams which to me means they should slide into the 5-6 playoff spot and really give the higher seed they’ll face a whole lot of hell.
Theodore plays a whole lot of games and if he’s Hart Trophy Theodore he’s gonna help them go a long ways this season. If he’s just Good Theodore I can’t see him stealing every game against Ottawa and Philadelphia. They’ll need some help on defense from more then just Souray.
More importantly, the Canadiens’ most important signing this year was the Montreal Expos old mascot Youppee!!!! What is that thing? It’s creepy and mesmerizing at the same time…like Tom Petty.
Ok, Brian there you go!!! Your commemorative mixed tape of me doing imitations of the Canadiens PA Announcer calling the three stars from the 1970’s is on it’s way. Enjoy!!
See ya next week.
Letters, Beef jerky and pictures of your scantily clad wife can be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org . Mom, please don’t send anything, I can’t afford the therapy.