TexCan's Weekly Slap Shots Vol. 1 Issue 3 *New*

There are 3 un-winnable arguments in this world:

1. Gender Equality – Why is it always the woman who could pass as the love child of Rik O’ Casek and Olive Oyl that wants to protest by baring her breasts in public. Why is it never the lithe, underwear models with low self esteem that want to show their Casey and Finegans’s in public. . (Hey! It’s my first Mr. Dressup reference! Question: Would a middle age, single dude with something called a tickle trunk in his closet be allowed to keep a little kid with creepy rosy cheeks in this day and age?)

2. Politics – Your white, privileged, corporate whore, who’s drunk and fat on campaign contributions who has his best interests at heart is a an unwashed heathen but my white privileged, corporate whore, who’s drunk and fat on campaign contributions who has his best interests at heart is a man of great conviction. (These guys are on extended warranty sale away from working at Best Buy)

3. My Team is better then your team.

I stream the local Radio sports station into my office on a daily basis which means I get to hear a lot of callers rant and rave about their local team. It also means I really need to rethink my career choice; seriously, once that Ape that can hold a paintbrush learns Powerpoint, I’m out of here!

What I’ve learned from these call in shows is that the spirit of opinion is alive and well and that people are very passionate about their teams. The other thing is that the great hypothetical axiom: “….given enough time a thousand monkeys using a thousand typewriters would eventually create the entire collected works of Shakespeare” is more like all you’d really get is a bunch of typewriters with monkey poop on them. Here now are my 3 favorite Sports Talk Call–In guys of all time… (It’s never women, which leads me to the thought that men really aren’t the smarter of the genders/species, the more I think about it and the more shows I see on TV like “Battle Bots” it makes me think that we may not be even in the top two. I’m sure there’s a dolphin and a wombat out there just itching for opposable thumbs…bastards!!!)

1. “So and So Player A is an “insert your favorite Deity insulting word here” for “insert boneheaded error here.” I have coached/played minor hockey for 5 years and everyone knows you don’t do that.” Yes. Yes you have! You have played the fastest sport in the world at a level where your biggest concern is “are we having orange slices or Capri Sun at the period break.” I’m sure your pee wee “Most Improved” player award has opened a few doors for you since then but maybe, just maybe these 700 of the best of the best of the best hockey players in the world might just have a wee edge on you. Now, should they ever need coaching advice on how to make cool snow angels on the ice or on how to skate between the cones at the breakneck speed of a Joyce Novel I’m sure you’ll come highly recommended. Now, I just finished eating a can of frosting and I feel like those whales that people have to storm the beach and push back into the water but come on! Seriously!

2. “They should trade for “Best Player A” on the other team and to get him we’ll give up 3 Minor Leaguers, 4th line Scrubs, Zamboni Drivers, Hockey News Issues 1 – 4, Spanish Hookers, Woody Harrelson’s cousin and the 12 inch tuna sub I just got from Subway (12 inches of Tuna? Should anyone be eating 12 inches of anything). This is an ideal trade because we get their best player and we give up the girl that gave me that weird rash. This guy is obviously some kind of tactical genius. Obviously, he’s the only guy that knows the “other” team is always looking to get staggeringly worse. Most teams GM’s are constantly wondering; “How can I obtain the taunts and jeers of my fellow GM’s, screw my team out of a future and get fired immediately?” I’m just concerned that this is the same guy that may have to decide one day whether or not to waste the batteries in his flashlights while the 767 from Des Moines is about to lower the landing gear. Honestly, who wouldn’t want to play RISK against this guy?

3. “So and So Player A is overpaid, I can’t believe he makes $$$$ when I have to bust my butt just to get by; my boss doesn’t’ let me off the hook for a night off……:” Yes. Exactly! You have crystallized our thoughts entirely . But how about considering this while you take your break from frying up the ‘taters? These are 700 highly coveted and skilled athletes who are better at what they do then the entire rest of the world. They work in an industry that generates hundreds of million dollars based directly on their performance and they have a relatively short lived career. . Next time you’re fishing yourself a fine looking comb out of the fryer, consider, just consider how skilled your job is. Do you push a keypad with a picture of a cheeseburger on it? Do you know what the word “collate” means? Did you have to go to a meeting today and watch a creepy Australian dude talk about weird Australian crap (Kangaroos, boomerangs and junk.,who knows? Is it just me or is it every time you meet an Australian you just want him/her to say “Shrimp on the barbe-y” and then just bugger off?) That last one was just me. Face it, we’re a robot, computer, monkey away from all being replaced.

Snap – Shots

Get the Hull Out of Here

I am not a Brett Hull fan. I despise his treachery, his arrogance but 98% of that seething blood lust is the fact that he owned Vancouver every time St. Louis came to town back in the day. Hull retires as the 3rd most prolific goal scorer of all time. For a lot of the younger generation they’ll be able to look at Hull as the best goal scorer of all time and not Gretzky. Weird?

P-P-P Parity

The NHL has finally become what the NFL was hoping to become. We all know how successful parity in the NFL is but do we all want to sit there for 4.5 hours and see a guy run off tackle? It’s like a telethon out there. The new rules and the cap have made it possible for every team to have a real shooting chance in every game.(of course, unless, your name is the Chicago Blackhawks…I think they’re already mathematically eliminated). I think the coolest part of this is there are no more games to be taken lightly and with the division rivalries in the mix a couple of losses can knock you back 4-6 points in a hurry. It’s almost the equivalent of losing a game in the NCAA football rankings. Lose a game and you go from 2nd to playing in the “Jim Bowl” (Jim, is my neighbor…)

CBC Advertisements

I would gladly go Prison ***** if I didn’t have to see that weird Canadian Tire dude during each commercial break on the CBC during Hockey Night in Canada. The next commercial will be that guy using the Canadian Tire “Super Scooper” shovel to bury the decaying bodies of his neighbors upon the alter of his dark lord. Whatever happened to the good old Super Sugar Bear and Granny trying to take his Sugar Crisp???

NBA Dress Code

The NBA is making the players wear a collared shirt and khakis. How will we be able to tell them apart from the management trainees at Blockbuster Video? I can relate, my 8th grade principal outlawed our kick ass Mimi Vice linen pants because of the no socks. … I’m not pointing fingers or trying to make a mountain of a mole hill but I believe this is what started the Falkland Islands War. Seriously, this is ridiculous, It’s a pair of pants and a shirt. Geez Louise, take a minute out of eating the steak off the hooker’s breasts and run to the Gap for gosh sakes.

Goalies

The Goalies are upset about being run over by players in the crease, their equipment is smaller, they can’t play the puck as much , goals are up, and shots are up by 47% so far. The only question here is: Did Martin Brodeur schtoup Gary Bettman’s wife? I think the most misleading stat right now is GAA because it seems like every team is giving up a ton of goals. I think goalies will now be judged more on the potential to save the “big save” and close the door for the rest of the game rather then how stingy they are. It seems like goals are now an inevitability of every game (About friggin;’ time) as opposed to a nice little bonus of watching the boys skate around for a couple of hours..

OLN? OL-Out

The two big satellite providers in the USA are dropping the NHL’s new cash cow the OLN from their pay TV packages? Why? Why isn’t a network dedicated to old “Survivor” reruns, The Lumberjack Games” and 24 hour coverage of the Tour De France more popular? I read that they’ve hired the consultants working on the “Creepy Ventriloquist Doll Network” and “Christopher Walken Orders a Pizza” pay per view event to help with their image.

So Goes the Flow

A minor complaint of the new year for me has been that with all the penalties so far this year it’s kind of really limited the flows of a lot of the games I have seen. In the Vancouver/Phoenix and Pitt/NJ games there were stretches of 10-12 minutes where you didn’t even see a second or third (forget the 4th) line. A small complaint but I’d like to see that freewheeling among all the lines…but I guess the freewheeling will come from less penalties. I’m a whiner because viewer ship is up, attendance is up and goals are up!!!

October

I’d be remiss if I didn’t’ join low rent FM Station Dee-Jays and mulleted metal heads everywhere if I didn’t wish everyone a safe and happy Rocktober!

Questions/Answers of the Week

Little Mark Winters from Langley, BC writes in this week with my first two part question:

Who do you think is overachieving and underachieving so far this year?

You write so much about food, what’s the best/worst Halloween candy?

Mark,

I am not a trained clinical psychologist (but I do own a couch and have access to many expired medications) but I know a cry for help when I hear it. Just kidding!

It’s still pretty early this year but I think the guys that have come through or been a bust are goal scorers, penalty killers and goalies.

Here’s my guys:

Underachievers – Gonchar, Peca, Guerin and Giguerre These guys get way too much press and I think they’re a bit of a bust but it’s early and I’m sure they can go from being Potsie’s to Fonzie’s in no time.

Overachievers – Lindros, Ohlund, Salo and McCabe I know, Vancouver and Toronto but come on, these guys are playing way above the curve. I’m sure there’s others.

For the Halloween candy please see my periodic flowchart starting with mini-kitkats (Canadian ones) Aero’s and Caramel Apple suckers and ending with circus peanuts, that crapass toffee wrapped in Halloweenie paper and of course…raisins.

Mark, thanks for the correspondence. Your commemorative 1975 Lanny McDonald Moustache and Wax is on it’s way via Sherpan guide and Yak! Take care; I’m off to sacrifice a chicken to secure Pittsburgh’s first win. (Probably extra crispy)

Comments, Questions and your uneaten Halloween candy (no rocks or raisins please) can be sent to carlrover11@hotmail.com

I’m Outtie

Steve