Hockey Trade Rumors

Disclaimer: The following account is a fictional event that only the true fan of the NHL could long to wait for – no names have been changed to protect the innocent – as there is no innocence in lying through the side of your mouth.

Mark Walberg: Gary Bettman – commissioner of the National Hockey League are you ready for “The moment of Truth”

Gary: You bet I am Mark.

(Lie detector beeps)

Mark: Ok..Gary before the 1993 season did you ever watch a hockey game?

Gary: Of course I’ve always loved the sport and..(lie detector beeps)

Mark: Ok Gary – can you tell me all about the benefits of the Instigator rule and remember what it was like before it came into play?

Gary: Yes I can it was…(lie detector beeps)

Mark: Oh Gary you’re not off to a good start…next question – Do you truly believe that all 30 NHL Markets are in healthy condition?

Gary: Of course (lie detector beeps) I mean there are hockey mad markets in Nashville (beeps) Phoenix (beeps) Tampa Bay (beeps), Miami (beeps), Long Island (the machine squeals) and Atlanta (the machine Beeps and smoke rolls out of it – a Tech runs in and waves the smoke away)

Mark: Wow Gary – ok next question is about ownership of a franchise.

(Gary whipes the sweat from his brow and shakes his head)

Mark: Do you truly believe that “Boots” Del Biagio is a better NHL owner then say – Jim Balsilie or maybe even Mark Cuban?

Gary: Absolutely (beeps) Boots has the friendship relationship with some of the legends of the game in Lemieux, Robitaille, Eruzione – countless people he’s a hockey guru (beeps) While I have no real opinion of Mr. Balsilie (long beep) as he is not at this moment a member of our board of Governors.

Mark: Do you regret the lockout season Gary as it was only 2 years to take salary levels to way beyond where they were before the lockout and that the point to the lockout was to provide stability to small markets – and now that the salary minimum is what the maximum was two seasons ago?

Gary: We needed to fix these issues (looks around as the machine doesn’t beep) but the lockout season is something I don’t regret (beeps) the salary structure is tied into revenue and the revenue shows that we have 30 markets that are hockey mad (the machine beeps) and that these are all viable markets and we felt that they were when we granted expansion teams to them (beeps) – it was never a case of take the money and run (Beep) we believe in these cities (beeps) and the system needed to be fixed.

Mark: So you don’t believe that the Rangers, Red Wings, the entire Canadian Market, and a choice few other teams are keeping the league afloat?

Gary: Not in the least (beep) attendance figures are up all around the league (beeps) markets like Miami and Long Island (beeps) are thriving, you can go into the Philips arena in Atlanta on a Tuesday night game against the Columbus Blue Jackets and not get a ticket (Beeps) or in Miami any given night and have a tough time getting a ticket (BEEPS)

Mark: Two more questions Gary – then you’re free to go.

Gary: Thank God – ok fire it up.

Mark: Why do you hate the Greater Toronto Area as a spot for relocation?

(Gary whipes his head and shakes his head)

Gary: The GTA is not a feasible relocation spot (beep) as we have 30 teams that are as I’ve said a number of times already are in good solid markets (beeps) it is not a case of me having any personal feelings towards Toronto (looks around and whipes his head again) but at this time the league is not looking for a new owner of any franchise or for them to be moving anywhere. (beep)

Mark: OK Gary last question – why is everything you say a lie that enrages the fans?

Gary: Everything I say isn’t a lie (beep) I haven’t told a lie to anyone in my time as commissioner of the league (beep) I had the fan nation behind me in the lockout – and I am the first commissioner of any league to ever successfully negotiate a contract after having lost a season – I am proud of my accomplishments and proud of our 30 franchises viability (beeps) and with the way attendance figures keep rising we’re on pace for a record high this season (the machine blows up)

Mark: Thanks Gary

Gary: Thanks Mark