TSN's Dirty Dozen

TSN Sports Forcaster has come up with the 2001-02 Dirty Dozen Awards, which goes to the worst player in the given category.

Without further delay, here they are:

“Overture, curtain, lights! With apologies to Bugs Bunny, on with the Dirty Dozen Awards. While these awards might not have the fame of the Oscar’s, the creditibility of the Emmy’s or the the luster of Mark Messier’s head, the Sport’s Forcaster’s Dirty Dozen awards are eagerly awaited by well, dozens of people. We honor the worst of the worst. The people whose 2001-2002 seasons were as successful as the “Rocky and Bullwinkle” movie. Without further delay, we unveil this years, um, winners…

JOHN VANBIESBROUCK AWARD

(worst free agent)

the nominees are…

– Pierre Turgeon, Dallas: $6 million for 15 goals. Still soft.

– Martin Lapointe, Boston: $5.25 million. Hmmm… why is hockey headed for another shutdown?

– John LeClair, Philadelphia: $9 million. Nice player but way overpriced. Had 25 goals but zero playoff points.

*The winner- PIERRE TURGEON

BRAD MARSH AWARD

(worst skater)

the nominees are…

– Marek Malik, Carolina: Often skates like he’s wearing Arturs Irbe’s pads.

– Richard Smehlik, Buffalo: A smart defensemen. With his speed, he has to be!

– Eric Cairns, Islanders: Good thing he can fight.

*The winner- RICHARD SMEHLIK

BILL LAFORGE AWARD

(worst coach)

the nominees are…

– Ken Hitch*****, Dallas: His tough guy act has lost it’s affect.

– Ron Wilson, Washington: He only had Jagr, Bondra, Oates, Gonchar, and Kolzig to work with

– Ron Low, Rangers: Big-budget team, low market results.

*The winner- RON WILSON

MARTY HOWE AWARD

(worst defensive player)

the nominees are…

– Sandis Ozolinsh, Florida: His partner will always lead the league in three-on-ones against.

– Pavel Bure, Rangers: Still doesn’t realize that his team has a goalie too.

– Sergei Berezin, Montreal: Healthy playoff scratch for a reason.

*The winner- SANDIS OZOLINSH

DAVE REESE AWARD

(worst goalie)

the nominees are…

– Trevor Kidd, Florida: Four wins in 33 games, an .895 save percentage and an untradeable contract

– Ed Belfour, Dallas: The Stars defense was bad but Belfour was worse. The eagle has landed.

– J.S. Aubin: Enron had a better year.

*The winner- TREVOR KIDD

ALEXANDRE DAIGLE AWARD

(biggest offensive disappointment)

– Jeff Friesen, Anaheim: 17 goals in 81 games. Outscored by fellow Duck Mike Leclerc?

– Vincent Lacavalier, Tampa Bay: 37 points in 76 games. Time for the next superstar to step it up.

– Philadelphia Flyers: 2 goals in the playoffs. Redifining the term “Total team effort”

*The winner-BOB CLARKE’s Philadelphia Flyers

STEVE SMITH AWARD

(most embarassing moment)

– Tommy Salo, Edmonton: Gave up a game-winner from center ice in the Olymic semis.

– Andre Roy, Tampa Bay: Go to the box, feel shame, but stay in the box!

– Theoren Fluery, Rangers: We sympathize with his problem, but enough with the histrionics.

*The winner- TOMMY SALO

KIM CLACKSON AWARD

(worst hands)

The nominees are…

– Jeff Finley, St. Louis: No goals in 78 games.

– Scott Stevens, New Jersey: A goal in game 82 was his only one of the season.

– Bill Houlder, Nashville: Zero for 82 games.

*The winner- BILL HOULDER

ROSEANNE BARR AWARD

(whineiest NHLer of the year)

The nominees are…

– Darcy Tucker, Toronto: Cool in the regular season but back to his old self in the playoffs

– Pat Quinn, Toronto: It’s not our fault, it’s not our fault, it’s not our fault.

– Tie Domi, Toronto: Openly complained that Travis Green was getting more ice time than he was.

*The winner- DARCY TUCKER

(if we didn’t give it to him, he’d whine)

DALE HUNTER AWARD

(cheapest shot of the year)

The nominees are…

– Bryan Marchment, San Jose: Elbow to the head of Shane Willis earned a six-game suspension

– Kevin Sawyer, Anaheim: Five games for trying to injure MIKE VERNON?

– Dale Purinton, Rangers: For a cross-check on Stephen Peat, his first of two suspensions that year.

*The winner- BRYAN MARCHMENT

VANCOUVER CANUCKS AWARD

(worst uniform)

– Boston yellow: We pray that Goldilocks eats this bear

– Buffalo red: Thank heavens Gilbert Perreault never had to wear this

– Nashville mustard: All they need are a few hot dogs

*The winner- NASHVILLE PREDATORS”

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Hope you all liked them. I must disagree on the Beezer Award, should have gone to Lapointe. Give Turg a break, the guy atleast tries, Marty just hangs at the blue line waiting for a pass, then looses the puck, then cheap-shots some unsuspecting rookie. I’m tellin ya, with the exception of Marc “I skate as fast as I walk” Bergevin and Dallas “All I want for Christmas is my two-front teeth” Drake, nothing good comes out of the Red Wings……. just kidding my very good hockey fans.

What do you think?

~Jeff P.

JFB DK57


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