What Would You Do?

This is a hypothetical exercise that is being concieved based purely upon my lack of anything to do at work(because I am so good at what I do that I did it all already… I swear). That and the fact that I think it could be pretty funny. What else do we really got to do, these UFA’s don’t seem to want to create much news. It relies on a simple premise given a set of extreme cir*****stances.

What would you do if your team won the cup in 2005 and……you had dropped a cool 10 million on your team today in Vegas.

Rules:

1. You are NOT married.

I’m not sure what people are going to do with this rule, but i feel it is much more fun than if you are actually married. This also allows the hypothetical, “My wife would never let me lay a bet” situation from arising in anyone’s response.

2. You got the 10 million that you dropped on your boyz from a guy named Lou, who told you as he was handing over the cash that he has amassed a collection of torture devices that would put a museum to shame.

Translation: Not only has your team just won the Stanley cup, but you can now pay Lou back and not have to get a personal tour of his museum of horror. As happy as you would normally be if your team won the cup, and you’d won money… multiply it by 10-fold.

3. You are operating under the current odds that I lifted from somewhere on the internet. This bet is getting placed today. If you are a Caps fan, man is next spring gonna be a good time in this hypothetical future.

(won’t let me space these for some reason, apologies.)

Name Open Current

TB LIGHTNING 5/1 5/1

DET RED WINGS 6/1 6/1

OTT SENATORS 7/1 7/1

PHI FLYERS 7/1 7/1

COL AVALANCHE 7/1 7/1

TOR MAPLE LEAFS 8/1 8/1

BOS BRUINS 10/1 10/1

NJ DEVILS 10/1 10/1

VAN CANUCKS 10/1 10/1

DAL STARS 12/1 12/1

SJ SHARKS 12/1 12/1

CGY FLAMES 15/1 15/1

STL BLUES 20/1 20/1

LA KINGS 25/1 25/1

MON CANADIENS 25/1 25/1

EDM OILERS 30/1 30/1

NY ISLANDERS 35/1 35/1

NAS PREDATORS 35/1 35/1

MIN WILD 40/1 40/1

ANA DUCKS 40/1 40/1

NY RANGERS 45/1 45/1

BUF SABRES 50/1 50/1

ATL THRASHERS 50/1 50/1

FLA PANTHERS 60/1 60/1

CAR HURRICANES 75/1 75/1

PHX COYOTES 100/1 80/1

COB BL JACKETS 125/1 125/1

PIT PENGUINS 125/1 125/1

CHI BLACKHAWKS 150/1 150/1

WAS CAPITALS 150/1 150/1

4. Be creative and humorous. I’m not posting my own thoughts on this because I want to think about it a little before I throw what I would do down in black and white.

never mind the bullox,

chris


40 Responses to What Would You Do?

  1. PayUpSucka says:

    Leafs 8-1 at 10 mill.

    I think the shear shock of the leafs winning the cup would kill me, and if that didn’t the 80 million dollar win would finish me off.

    #1 No all jokes aside, I would have to have my own box at the ACC. Living in Halifax I have only ever seen the leafs live 3 times.

    #2 Find a way into the 29 other dressing rooms in the league and spike their water bottles with age enhancer to make them all just as old and brittle as my boys.

    #3 Pay Mike Tyson 1 mill to let me beat the s hit out of him. I’m sure he could use the money.

    #4 I would like to start up a midget fight club. Hundreds of midgets beating the crap out of each other would be pretty funny.

    #5 Loan the Oakland A’s some money to buy a decent bat to go with the 5 brilliant arms they have.

    #6 Recreate Laverne and Shirley, starring Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow.

    #7 Have Daniel Alfredsson thrown out of Canada.

    #8 Set up the long awaited bout between Howie Meeker and Gary Greene.

    #9 Buy the CBC and let Don Cherry pick fights with all the minorities of the world.

    #10 Buy the airtime to tell each and every person that said the leafs will never win the cup again to go F U C K themselves.

  2. qsilver31 says:

    Wow this is really interesting… But do I all have to bust it on one team? Rather be smart about this and waste 1/4 of a mil on the bottom teams and put the rest on one of the top teams. The top team I would waste my money on is probably the Devils. Though I am a Leafs fan, I am also realistic. If the Leafs manage to win the Stanley cup, it’ll prolly be with 2/3 of their rosters and with tons of luck. But like they always say, its better to be lucky than good…. unless the old saying is good than lucky…. I’m confused

    But anyways! I just don’t see them going out in the first round like they did last year. I have no clue how Philly managed to take them in 5. I was at least expecting the series to go 6 or 7 regardless of who won. New Jersey’s organization is just too smart and their farm system is too talented to be denied another shot at Stanley.

    As for the bottom

    (In the order from most likely out of the pack to least)

    1. Panthers

    2. Thrashers

    3. Sabres

    4. Caps

    5. Wilds

    The mid teams would be

    (If you consider Stars and Blues to be mid level teams…)

    1. Stars

    2. Blues

    3. Canadiens

    4. Oilers

    5. Kings

    As for this season, Go Devils and Leafs! (Also Avs fan, but w/o Forsberg… They don’t have a shot in hell)

  3. qsilver31 says:

    Wow, some of your stuff is pretty hilarious, but honestly… midgets fight club? Doesn’t do it for me.

    And Tyson prolly couldn’t take out the team mascot right now. He is in horrible shape and got KOed in the first round of his last fight I think.

    As for the A’s, they don’t really need to sign more players. If they would’ve kept Giambi, Tejeda, and Foulke, they would be atop their division right now… unless they already are… don’t care too much about the AL.

  4. qsilver31 says:

    My bad, didn’t read the article carefully enough. Damn it for being a Leafs fan. With 80 million I’d prolly just somehow invest it or save it up till I have enough money to buy the freakin Leafs.

    Its like a win/win situation. I doubt you can lose money owning the Leafs nomatter how bad they are.

  5. LeafyMcLeaf says:

    Leafs 8/1 at 10mil

    #1 I’d ask why the Sens odds are better then the leafs odds.

    #2 I’d sign Eric Lindros at 2.5 mil and then pay Scott Stevens 2.5 mil to take him out for life.

    #3 Stack the leafs with three new free agents.

    #4 Get my own box at the ACC.

    #5 I’d fire Quinn and Fergie and hire Cherry and Sather to do the jobs. (Sather will stack my team) Although he has to consult me befor making any deals.

    #6 I’d have Daniel Alfredson charged for slander for all those times he promised a Sens cup win or a Leafs series loss and was wrong. Then he would be deported.

    #7 Have a heart attack realizing wait the Leafs won.

    #8 Burn down the office of Gary Bettman and Bob Goodenow and dismantle the NHLPA (looks at the NFL salaries and they have a cap and they have no union)

    #9 Get a Leafs float at the Santa Clause Parade in down Town Toronto.

    #10 Donate the rest of the money to Toronto’s many charities including the Get that jack ass Paul Martin out of power foundation.

  6. PayUpSucka says:

    Thats exactly why i’d fight Tyson. No chance at losing.

    And the A’s are leading the AL west, but with a bat they might have had a chance to win it all.

    And the midgets, I just laugh at them when they aren’t fighting so it seems that if they were fighting id be laughing even more.

  7. cgolding says:

    I would like to start up a midget fight club. Hundreds of midgets beating the crap out of each other would be pretty funny.

    ALMOST maintained silent laughter at work… bastard!

  8. PayUpSucka says:

    You gotta admit Chris a bunch of midgets throwing down would be pretty funny.

  9. cgolding says:

    Okay,

    There is an important factor that has been forgotten so far… you have to pay Lou back first… otherwise you are still going to get to see Lou’s little collection. NOT fun.

    #1 – Pay Lou back so that I can maintain the current state of all my limbs and digits. Followed by a few months respite in the lovely city of Amsterdam.

    #2 – Everyone has a price right, at least that is the saying anyway. I got 60 mil to work with after the Flyers pull this thing off, I’m gonna attempt to discover Kate Beckinsale’s price.

    #3 – As noted, the absolute must happen here is a box for life in our favorite teams arena… no brainer. Preferably with Lauren Hart watching the game with me after singing each night.

    #4 – Offer Barry Bonds some cash to take a lie detector test.

    #5 – Lets run with this whole Mike Tyson theme. I don’t really want to fight Mike, but I think we can maximize our wealth a little bit. So, the setup is simple. I’m going to put 5 million dollars in Mike’s back pocket and drop him off in far North Philly, and publicly announce that he’s there with 5 million. No weapons and no group attacks larger than two, but if you can get the 5 mil off Tyson before he reaches City Hall, it’s yours. Televise this on pay-per-view… I must ask, who wouldn’t watch this? It has the compounded factors of Tyson and his train-wreck draw, plus our inhuman blood-lust that we attempt to deny…

    Tyson will also have to come off his medication so he’s really good and crazed for this thing…

    I’m pretty sure I’ve just become a Billionaire.

    #6 – Pay the Sports Guy to write a sequence of books on any topics that he feels are important enough to be put down in ink, which is just about anything based upon his column.

    #7 – Pair of season tix behind homeplate to the Phils. One for me. One for Peter Gammons, plus whatever expenses are necessary to have him watch baseball with me for a season and impart his wisdom.

    #8 – Pay a group of people to follow Steinbrenner around all-day for the rest of his life chanting “yankees suck!”

    #9 – Promote “The Battle of the Jessica’s.” Mud-wrestling match between Biel and Alba…. this cannot go wrong. For those not in the know, the links are below.

    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004754/

    http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004695/

    #10 – lastly, purchase the Real World Philadelphia house… haven’t seen it yet, but I’m sure it is incredible and Olde City is not a bad place to be.

  10. PayUpSucka says:

    Unfortunately for me Chris, I wasn’t so fortunate in keeping the laugh down at work. Thanks alot for number 5 dude. Just got a wrist slap from the boss.

  11. Rysto says:

    #1 I’d ask why the Sens odds are better then the leafs odds.

    Because Ottawa has a much younger and much more skilled team? Ottawa would be the odds-on favourite if Hasek’s health was guaranteed.

    #6 I’d have Daniel Alfredson charged for slander for all those times he promised a Sens cup win or a Leafs series loss and was wrong. Then he would be deported.

    You have no idea what slander is, do you?(hint: it’s not lying — it’s not even a crime!)

  12. cgolding says:

    purchase a new word checker for HTR so that words like cir-c-u-m-stances can get through the screening.

  13. cgolding says:

    I try.

    I must admit I’m very excited for the mud-wrestling. As a friend said of Alba, “She’s depressingly hot, as in I know I’ll never be able to get anything like that…”

  14. PayUpSucka says:

    LOL. Too funny.

  15. LeafyMcLeaf says:

    Slander is publicly lying about some one. When it is not true. But he lied about the sens so…

  16. rojoke says:

    Habs at 25-to-1, that’s a cool quarter bill.

    So, first pay off Lucky Lou, with a smile the size of the Grand Canyon. I’m not that stupid.

    Second, being in Vegas, I ain’t leaving til I’ve been in every strip club in the city. And I don’t mean a club crawl either. I’m talking one club, one night. But I’m definitely staying away from the ranches. If anyone saw The Casino last week, you’ll know why.

    Third, I’m going to Montreal. To repeat what I did in Vegas. With the exchange rate being 30%, I’m actually getting more money than I paid Lou. Plus, any money the IRS gets (greedy bastards taxing non-residents) I get to deduct from my Canadian taxes.

    Fourth, I’m changing my name. My immediate family is fine, I just don’t want “long lost cousins” coming out of the woodwork left and right. Long lost relatives should stay just that – lost!!!

    Five, I’m going to go back to Vegas and hitting any new strip clubs that opened up since I left. Ditto Montreal.

    Six, box at the Bell Center. Hell, I’d buy the damn center if it weren’t for the tax bill.

    Seventh, and final. I’d sit on my ass, get eccentric (rich people aren’t crazy after all) and screw the family when I die by leaving whatever I didn’t waste to some well-endowed entertainer!!!

  17. rojoke says:

    That’s not lying, it’s prognostication. If that were lying, weathermen – excuse me, weatherpeople – no, meteorlogists – would do their jobs serving life at Fulsom Prison. And so would half of Leaf nation, who “slander” every team in the league from September through April!

  18. PayUpSucka says:

    Lmfao, good ones. Original. I liked #7. I gotta few of those leech distant cousins.

  19. flyersfan10897 says:

    only if they have the spandex suits that the guys in the WWF wear…and step ladders to get into the ring.

  20. cgolding says:

    definitely some of them should be dressed like super heroes.

  21. flyersfan10897 says:

    in the US, libel, the fancy word for slander, is a form of unprotected speech and is classified by making statements about a person/organization/etc publicly when there is no evidence that they are true.

    making a prediction is not slander. i cant say i know about the canadian law, but in the US it can be a crime if the person/people slandered against want to sue the slanderer.

  22. sidorkiewicz says:

    I would drop the money on Chicago, solely due to the fact that they have the sweetest uniforms in the NHL. Also great odds… 150 to 1… That’s 1.5 bil to blow. Would take me about a month. But first off I would…

    #1 – Purchase the Coyotes and bring them back to Winnipeg where they belong.

    #2 – Set up Mike Ricci with Extreme Makeover.

    #3 – Have Martin Havlat’s bones coated in adamantium, then pay him a $500,000 bonus each time he crosschecks a Philly player in the face.

    #4 – Set the whole Lindros family up on the Springer show. Nerf bats for the parents and drool buckets and helmets for the kids.

    #5 – Have Gary Bettman deposed before he can do any more damage to the sport.

    #6 – Make Brad Richards go back to PEI as sign every damn one of those 15,000 autographs

    #7 – Pay back Andy Van Hellemond for all the nose candy he fronted me.

    #8 – Set the Leafs Equipment Manager up with a seasons supply of adult diapers for the whole team. Diuretics and Arrowroots if they go deep into the playoffs.

    #9 – Buy a good stiff round of reality for all of Calgary.

    #10 – Set Flyer-Fan-In-LA up with some valium so he doesn’t hemorrhage all over his computer every time somebody types in the name Havlat.

    #11 – Arrange it so that Mike Danton and Bob Probert can share a cell.

    #12 – Provide therapy for all of the Canuck fans that insist they have a cup-contending team year-after-year. (I live in Vancouver – and it really is sad.)

  23. nordiques100 says:

    she will play invisible woman in the new fantastic four movie and she will be wearing some body hugging suit for that role. wahoo!!!!

  24. nordiques100 says:

    1. pay tony soprano to whack Lou and have “T” as a partner for the new bada bing chain of bars up here in Canada

    2. buy carmella decesare who is the most recent playmate of the year from hugh hefner. (she is currently one of the girls in the WWE raw diva search contest)

    3. hire Stacy kiebler (WWE Diva) to be my wrestling coach and roll around with her in the ring (and in bed) every day until i go to heaven. (if i am not there already hehe)

    4. buy out pat quinn’s and rick ley’s contracts from the leafs so they can hire a good coach.

    5. make the mud wrestling match suggested by chris a triple threat match and bring in yet another jessica for this match to face biel and alba. and that jessica would be jessica simpson. also add to the card a baywatch babe battle royale featuring pam, gena lee, carmen, erika and the rest of the baywatch babes.

    6. buy me a top notch camera and become a SI swimsuit issue photographer travelling around the world with supermodels. (tough job but somebody has to do it)

    7. get me box seats at the ACC.

    8. replace the hollywood sign with a sign that says: kiss my chocolate starfish!

    9. travel around the world and play every single top golf course around

    10. to ensure a profitable and rich lifestyle i will become the next dr jeremy jacobs (owner of the boston bruins) and be a cheap ass owner of an nhl hockey team who always always always makes a profit.

  25. BayStBully says:

    Who cares about all this? We all knew Ottawa was gonna choke again, thats why we laughed when he said it. Use the 80 million to buy the sens a set of nuts and then try again next year.

    I would use that money for genetic testing on Chara, to prove that guy is a (half) shaved sasquatch. Then I would make more money selling Senators jerseys with BIGFOOT on the back. As long as golding’s mom doesn’t sue for copyright infringement

  26. BayStBully says:

    I have a suggestion. How about so you’re ready for all these “divas” you go out and get a real life girlfriend first. That way you know where it goes if this opportunity ever arises.

    Also, what kind of dork still watches wrestling? lol

  27. big_booty says:

    After re-paying Lou, and in no particular order:

    – Buy a bottle of the most expensive wine I can find (probably the 1914 Chateau Lafite Rothschild), take a big ol’ swig of that fine juice, and spit it in Paris Hilton’s face. Just to be silly.

    – Have Don Cherry imprisoned for a day in a room with Ulf Samulesson. Call it “just desserts.”

    – Have Gary Bettman and David Stern change places for a season. Hell, Stern already made one union cave, why not press his luck with much better leverage?

    – Two words: “treasure bath”

    – Start a congressional lobby to cancel “Quuer Eye for the Straight Guy.” Any heterosexual male who disagrees will be subject to immediate castration.

    – Get Dick Cheney, John Ashcroft, and Donald Rumsfeld all mind-numbingly stoned. Enlist Jason Mewes (“Jay,” of “Jay and Silent Bob” fame) to carry out this plan. Not only do all of these stiffs need it, but the radical right blowhards like Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh will no longer be able to mask the idiocy and ineffectiveness of our current president.

    – Buy the requisite beach estate in the Bahamas, with accompanying yacht and 1985 CJ-5 to tool around in.

    – Spend one glorious night with Jenna Jameson. She may be a dirty whore, but the woman knows what she is doing and it would be the ride of a lifetime. If time permits, she could bring a friend (preferably Asia Carrera or Racquel Darrien)

    – Expose Leaf_Expert for the fraudulent, wannabe, teenage wigger that he is. Give him an atomic wedgie and tie him to the top of the CN tower. Wait, I could do that now if I wanted to…

    – Pay Bob Clarke to release all the secretly-taped conversations he had with Bonnie and Carl Lindros.

    – Give Trademan a cool million just for putting up with our crap.

  28. BayStBully says:

    What are you talking about? Leaf_Expert is the man!

  29. cgolding says:

    she’s seriously unfair…

  30. big_booty says:

    You’re man the “expert” is a self-aggrandizing, egotistical, foul-mouthed, know-it-all, homer child from the wrong side of the Toronto tracks.

    He probably still lives in his mother’s basement, has horrible acne, and works the counter at the local Tim Horton’s with a Tupac attitude.

    He talks so much crap to everyone, yet runs from conflict and refuses to keep his word. He is your typical ghetto wannabe, whose heroes include Eminem, Tupac, Snow, and (for some unknown reason) Ed Belfour.

    His articles are frought with wild and wacky dreamt-up trade/free agent scenarios from “reliable sources” which are probably the rats who live under his bed.

    His syntax and grammar lead us in the know to believe that his education does not exceed the ninth grade level.

    This kid would most likely soil himself if he ever actually came face-to-face with a real live NHL player.

    Still think he’s “the man?”

    May God have mercy on your soul.

  31. StuWild says:

    If I had some big ass dough to throw around I could have been a lot richer following these past Playoffs. I was in Las Vegas in February and placed $50 American on the BOLTS!. Won $700 dollars! Am a leafs fan but in looking at all the odds, TB at 15/1 were the best bet. I watched them play a lot last year and wasn’t sure why they were not getting more respect. They did finish atop a pretty strong Eastern Conference. Khabibulin was the real to placing the bet. So many other teams had question marks between the pipes!

  32. bpanther83 says:

    When ottawa beats the leafs in the playoffs then u can talk about who has more skill.

    I would deport alfreddson just cause he is alfreddson. I never liked the guy. And after all his predictions that went to shit against the leafs last year, I laughed my ass off at him.

  33. rojoke says:

    Good luck getting Racquel. She only did her hubby when she did movies. I’d personally like an evening with Sydnee Steele. Or Keri Windsor. Or…

  34. caniac1026 says:

    I registered just to post comment.

    Canes at 75/1???

    That’s 750,000,000

    Even though they’re a SE Conf. team they got to the finals once… Two SE Conf. teams in three years?

    I have to brag, I met Eric Cole at the Draft and he is the coolest and nicest public figure I’ve ever met.

    So my top ten.

    Can you buy a team for 3/4 of a billion dollars? Based on the assumption that I could:

    1. Buy the Carolina Hurricanes

    2. Fire anyone who played hockey for an Ivy league school and hire community college students who would love nothing more but to work hockey and smoke grass; except Tripp Tracy just cause he’s a crackhead.

    3. Develope a youth hockey camp akin to the Red Army Team. Children will be bred for ultimate athleticism and love of the game. If they make the team they will thankfully play for a $50k/year plus “puck bunnies” pension for the rest of their lives, be thankful they could play the greatest game on God’s green earth. Their moto will be “What’s a CBA?”

    4. Buy a nice big house, a beautiful Venezuelan maid who just wants a clean glass of water and to dance, a dozen ’71 Monte Carlos I can run into the ground, and a Scion filled with napalm to drop on whoever designed it.

    5. Pay the guy in our employee dining room to make me his baked beans on call for the rest of his life.

    6. Geez. 750M is a lot of dough.

    I’d take bath in $1 coins. I’ve always wanted to do that ever since I first saw Duck Tales. Probably crush me to death.

    7. Buy Jeff ONeill some of Rod BrindAmor’s diet and excersize plan and Craig Adam’s work ethic.

    8. Make the Scion the offical vehical (cause it isn’t a car or an SUV or a minivan…) of Mike Tyson. On the commercials he would bite off one of the side-view mirrors.

    9. Develope an EA Sports hockey video game that was worth Holifield’s ear.

    10. I think at this point I could die in peace. Any leftover money would be given to Habitat for Humanity.

    Peace Love and Hockey

  35. rojoke says:

    If I might make a suggestion. Move to Canada. Get another 30% on the exchange rate. Which amounts to, oh another $225 mill. That’s almost $1 billion.

  36. cgolding says:

    outside of the Yankees, Redskins, and Manchester United you could probably purchase any team in the world…

    “2. Fire anyone who played hockey for an Ivy league school and hire community college students who would love nothing more but to work hockey and smoke grass; except Tripp Tracy just cause he’s a crackhead. “

    what is that about?(i went to penn) Cornell and Harvard are friggin good…

  37. caniac1026 says:

    Most of the Canes upper management and business partners went to Yale or Harvard. If I was the paranoid sort I’d think they were mafioso becasue they’re either all family or ivy league. But it’s just me picking on them. Tripp Tracy is the color commentator on TV, a former Havard backstop and a complete loon.

    I was in no way impuning Ivy Leage Schools, just faciciously wanted to see the team run by someone who wasn’t so “Educated.”

    I love my team, though, and think Rutherford smart as heck for trading up in the draf to get Ladd.

  38. caniac1026 says:

    A. I’ve dated girls from several states in the US, and while I’ve never been out of the country I’m convinced their is nothing greater than Carolina booty.

    B. I don’t know the Canadian National Anthem past Oh, Canada, our pride and native land….

    C. Finally, I think once you get to a certain rediculously large ammount of money (like 750M), one definately needs no more otherwise that’s just gluntany.

  39. cgolding says:

    gotcha… thought you were referring to players.

  40. balls223 says:

    Detroit Redwings

    1. Shit myself because my favorite decrepid bastards were able to do it.

    2. Introduce Lou to my 12 inches of dangling death (around)

    3. Pay enough people so I could meet Kid Rock and start a good ol Detroit party

    4. Leave a Clevland Steamer square in the middle of John Kerrys chest

    5. Buy a few lap dances for the guy down the street with one leg, one arm and one testicle

    6. Film the sequel to Crossroads, where this time Britney gets gang banged by 35 Indonesian turtles while singing it’s a small world

    7. Buy the Chicago Blackhawks and bring Tim Chevaldae out of retirement

    8. Create a crop circle with the message “My balls are low in carbs”

    9. Hook up with Michael Jackson and take him to a youth camp

    10. Open a strip club called sloppy seconds and only hire big girls

    11. Start a reality tv show named “American Pornstar” Make the chicks go through all sorts of sex scenes and the winner gets an exclusive porn contract, but the twist is that when they win they find out there is no contract, they just all screwed some rich guy that wanted to get laid by hot girls on tv and had nothing better to do since there will be no hockey on tv to entertain his otherwise useless mind!!!!!!!

    Why god…why?

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