top 10 Reasons Why the HTR UPP Kicks Unholy Amounts of Azs

Number 10 – It’s Pretty.

Lovely color patterns, Splash Screen, Logos, but not too much, just enough to be tasteful, or at least full… of something. Hell, we even kept the little country flags on the Salary Cap page. The educational value of that alone is worth the price!

Number 9 – Got Stats?

Most forecasters give you this year, sometimes maybe last year. Just look at all the pretty numbers we have on the Players and Goalies pages. We have shamed NASA. If those stats aren’t enough for you, we give you 3 years of history. ALL the stats for ALL the players in the NHL in the last 3 years are in the Supporting Stats page. Go nuts. Better yet, trust us and use the Players and Goalies pages, ignore the Supporting Stats… and go out and get some sun while you still can. If there aren’t enough stats for you, then you need to speak with a professional.

Number 8 – We Made it Easy.

Double click column headings, delete or hide columns to make draft sheets, All the most common stats and calculations are done for you. Hell, if you are a real stats addict, we even tell you the definition of the standard deviation of the Forecaster projections. For the confused people who have no idea what we are talking about… we even have a little have a Standard Deviation definition, in English.

Number 7 – Which Forecaster is the Best?

Did you ever wonder which forecaster is best? We know. In fact, we know everything. I don’t know why anyone would care, since we give you all the good ones anyway, but in case you do, check out the forecaster comparison page. It will tell you which ones were most accurate last year.

Hint- use the Average of all Forecaster for more consistent picks

Number 6 – Goalies

What the F do you do with goalies? Did your pool organizer pick some bizarre formula for goalies, like 3.63 points for a win and 4.17 points for a Shutout? Other forecasters would leave you at the mercy of THEIR cryptic, dumbass formula, not ours… we let you assign your own points for goalie stats… Then we hold your hand a little more and calculate the goalie projections based on YOUR formula. Then we tie your shoes for you and let you automatically sort by your formula by double clicking on “Your Ranking Formula”. As if we haven’t already done everything for you except wipe your asz (unless you printed this stuff and did that to?) We also show you how goalies have performed over the past 3 years in Wins and Shutouts, using your formula. Oh yeah, because we are maniacs, you can sort on that also by double clicking the column header.

Hint- you can sort on most columns on the Players and Goalies page by double-clicking on the column headers.

Number 5 – Cap / Points / Position Leagues

Are you in one of those cap/points leagues where you have a certain amount to spend, and have to fill a specific number of each position? If you passed grade 2, you will realize that you can’t have a starting five of Crosby, Ovechkin, Malkin, Lidstrom and Redden (*snicker*) on your top line… (unless you want the rest of your team to SUCK.). So what can you afford, and how the hell do you know what the best combination is? Well, we give a tool to select players. It will tell you the running total of your teams projected points, it will tell you if you spent over the cap. It will even tell you if you selected too many players from a certain category. We supply the sheet with Salary Cap data, but you can replace that with your own pool’s point scheme if you want. We can’t help you if you pick Ryan Whitney and Justin Williams, but if you can’t come up with the best team using this tool, then you really need to rethink why you are paying your entry-fee.

Number 4 – We Worked Hard.

This compilation took well over 3 months and nearly 5400 man-hours of work. 2 of us got divorced and one of us hasn’t slept in 3 weeks. Walter’s kids don’t recognize him. He hasn’t shaved or showered in months. We gained colossal amounts of weight from never stopping to eat proper meals, existing only on soda, chips, beer and pizza. The sheer volume of information and calculations required us to purchase time on the Cray supercomputer at Palo Alto.

Number 3 – We Made it For You, With Love.

We didn’t work that hard. I was lying. The compilation took 3 weeks, maybe 80 man-hours. Our wives were happy that they got to watch what they wanted to watch on TV for a change. I used a crappy laptop to do most of the stats work. I did gain weight though. It was way to easy to avoid the stationary cycle and work on the UPP instead 🙂 The truth is, we do this every year because we love you, in a “how about them Bears” kinda way.

OK, I was lying again.

Number 2 – It’s Big.

Size Matters. Your wife/girlfriend won’t admit that (thankfully), your grade 6 teacher won’t admit that she graded your project by how big it was, even though she did. The sheer volume of information in the UPP is astounding. Bottom line: bigger is better and we are making sure you have the biggest tool out of anyone in your pool. If you ARE the biggest tool in your pool, invite one of us to join, then you won’t be any more!

Number 1 – The Price is Right.

At a total cost to you of 0 dollars… well, let’s just say that is an insanely high value, infinite in fact. Next year, we will add in an accurate prediction of exactly how many games each player will miss due to injury (according to the psychic friends network) and if we are wrong, we will refund the UPP purchase price (does not include VIP membership fees or donations), no questions asked. (except maybe “How the hell did you manage to F it up?”… as we are laughing at you.)

We guarantee that you will win your pool using this year’s UPP and if you don’t, please refer to “The Price is Right” (above) for our refund policy. (does not include VIP membership fees or donations). How can you lose?


6 Responses to top 10 Reasons Why the HTR UPP Kicks Unholy Amounts of Azs

  1. PTack says:

    Ive got a yahoo hockey depth league but its meant for competitive players. I invite the top players to come back until the league is full so the league is the toughest to play in. If any of you think you know your hockey good enough join up!

    League id 47999 password is password.

    Max Teams: 12
    Scoring Type: Head-to-Head
    Roster Positions: C, C, C, LW, LW, LW, RW, RW, RW, D, D, D, D, D, D, Util, Util, Util, Util, G, G, BN, BN, BN, IR, IR, IR, IR
    Stat Categories: G, A, P, +/-, PIM, PPP, SHP, W, GAA, SV%, SHO

  2. leafy says:

    Hahaha!!!!  One of the most hilarious articles I've read in a long time.

  3. Lint07 says:

    that was awesome!
    thanks, buddy!

  4. wprager says:

    OMG, Bill, you're on fire!  How'd you know about my kids?

  5. Aetherial says:

    You're wife was snooping in your e-mail, found a bunch of stuff fro some Aetherial person, whom she thought was an escort… so she e-mailed me accusing me of being a home wrecker and that because of me your shildren forgot who their father was.

    She did thank me for making sure she got to watch what SHE wanted on TV for the last couple weeks though 🙂

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