Hockey's ''Wanted'' Ads

For the past few years, I’ve always joked with my friends that a particular team is so inept they’ll have to take anyone that breathes just to play with them. Well, I’ve decided to take the joke further and put together some “Help Wanted” ads for this express purpose. Let’s see if you can guess the teams (Answers at the bottom). Enjoy:1. “HELP: Needs a speedy right winger to play alongside one of hockey’s better slumbering left wingers and a centre who has no one to pass to. Speed and size are preferred, and a defensive edge also is required, as these guys can’t play defence. If interested, call Pierre at 1-800-SUCKY-TEAM.”

2. “WANTED: Back therapist who can repair one of hockey’s more gifted right wingers. Team desperately needs his speed and skill and that amazing pass from the goaline to the front of the crease that always results in a goal. A York degree in Sports Therapy is exemplary, but a degree here is necessary (except from the University of Toronto, whose degree is useless). If you qualify, call Chris at 1-888-BACK-HELP.”

3. “HELP: Three people who have great hands and speed to compliment a first line that was suddenly gone flat. Team needs to shake image of one-line team because they are now slipping back into the pack after a great start. Also, if your group has a fourth player who could be an offensive defenceman, that would be great but not required. If interested, call Craig at 1-888-2ND-LINE.”

4. “HELP: Someone to beat some sense into top player. He is very gifted and young but somehow never EVER uses his talents to the full potential and team needs him to produce. He was once headed out of town but team has decided to give him another chance. Requirements: either you’re 6-2, 330 lbs. and can bench press an elephant or you are a sports psychologist. Interested? Call Rick at 1-800-UNDERACHIEVER.”

5. “NEED: A doctor, a few good men and a ‘shaperson’ who can change our luck. Team gets on getting hurt and we are down to our last resorts. Team has been on injury funk for quite some time and would like to get out of it. Requirements: a medical degree (preferably from McGill University), three men in your group who can play hockey, and someone who can concot spells to get ourselves out of our bad luck. If interested call Andre at 1-888-INJURY-BUG.”

6. “NEED: Someone who can repair ankle of star player whose ankle has malfunctioned. He has sat out all year and team needs him back in order to obliterate league instead of only being on an even playing field with inferior opponents. If you can do this, call Bob at 1-800-ANKLE-SURGERY.”

Answers: 1. Anaheim Mighty Ducks, 2. Toronto Maple Leafs (Alexander Mogilny), 3. Calgary Flames, 4. Tampa Bay Lightning (Vincent Lecavalier), 5. Montreal Canadiens, 6. Colorado Avalanche (Peter Forsberg).

NOTE: Phone numbers have been made up.

-DG